Bed jump

When I was 18, my first hotel job was at the Chateau Jasper in the Rockies. They hired me to be a houseman. A low-paying summer gig but my responsibilities were exotic. By day, I delivered towels to the pool and at night I vacuumed Bits & Bites off the bar carpet.

I loved it. And the worst part of hotels? Nothing. Either I enjoyed it all or I’ve blocked out all the wretchedness. The chambermaids were all 19 and cute [when they weren’t passing out and nearly burning down the staff quarters]. Plus the manager let me use the hot tub after hours. To my naïve 18-year-old self, hotels were magical places where dreams came true and nobody ever got sick or died.

Years later, I’m on the other side of the service industry. Instead of helping maids clean rooms, I mess ‘em up with my DNA (the rooms, not the maids).

I’ve been an MSN travel scribe for a year now, and learned a lot about hotels. So here are:

TOP 8 THINGS I DO WHEN I ENTER A HOTEL ROOM

8) Open the safe

And by safe, I mean nightstand. Then I take out the Bible and search it for money. Some religious people hide their dollars in the Bible instead of trying to figure out those fancy modern hotel safes.

7) Make smokin’ hot love

Bonus tip: hotel lovemaking is even better if you share it with another person. Right away, it turns your hotel stay into a positive, uplifting experience. Plus sex boosts your immune system. Which you’ll need to survive the germs left by sniffley chambermaids who can’t afford to take a day off.

6) Install cameras

Call me crazy but I like to know who’s leaving me chocolate treats every night. Are they fairies, elves, trolls, ghosts? Let’s find out! Bonus: if I catch them taking souvenirs, blackmail is fun and a good source of extra income.

5) Search for snakes

It’s kill or be killed, really…the second you fall sleep, they start searching for you.

4) Pretend I’m a teenage girl

When I move into a hotel, I pretend I’m a 16-year-old living with my parents. I crank up the heat, strip to my slinky PJ bottoms, invite all my friends over, crank the TV, and slather the hotel’s fancy little creams all over my body. These freckles don’t soften themselves, my friend.

3) Tuck the rubber band in my pocket…

…after I’ve used it to break into the room. Watch this helpful video to see how it’s done.*

2) Kick the bedspread to the corner

They never clean it so it’s fairly filthy because people always spill gunk on it and/or kick it to the corner.

1) Jump for joy on the bed

This accomplishes two things right off the bat: you get to test the mattress for firmness/bouncability and you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse get to feel like kids again…which then becomes useful if you want to boss ‘em around.

I can’t be the only one that does this stuff. What do you do when you enter a hotel room?

— Ken Hegan

*Legal: this video is for self-defense purposes only. That’s not really my hand and I can prove it because I’m freckled and much faster than that.

Bing: how clean is your hotel room?

 

Read all of Ken’s MSN travel stories here and follow Ken to victory on Twitter

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