First, here’s the situation:
It’s 9:45 pm on a Sunday night. I’m in Seattle’s international airport and my Mum, siblings, and girlfriend are set to board a red-eye to North Carolina, enroute to a beach house on Costa Rica’s sunny Caribbean coast.
Now, I know we need to sleep tonight on the plane or else we’ll be cantankerous jerks when we reach Central America. And for me, the best way to get to sleep at night is to down a cold beer with a juicy, greasy late-night bacon sandwich.
Unfortunately, we’re flying a budget airline, which may or may not be US Airways, so they will definitely NOT feed us a damn thing tonight. And that, my friends, is where my proposal comes in. Here it is:
I think all airlines should be required to give you a late-night meal. And I don’t mean a 5-course lobster dinner served on fine china and with Irish linen damask dinner napkins. Don’t care about that. Instead, I want the kind of ‘late-night meal’ you’d eat at home.
Like when you’re watching TV in bed and you’re eating a bowl of salty, buttery unpopped popcorn kernels from a Tupperware container perched on your chest. Can’t be beat. So if that’s what you eat at home at night, then US Airways should serve it you on their planes.
I’m calling it now: this idea’s a winner. If a business’s success is tied to customer satisfaction, late-night snacking airlines will quickly rocket to the top of the heap.
Picture all the barely-edible leftovers you’ve shoved down your throat to quell your late-night Jimmy Kimmel munchies. Who doesn’t enjoy devouring cold, stiff, 3-day-old pizza wrapped in a plastic bag and shoved to the back of the fridge? Who among us hasn’t drowned our late-night tears in a bowl of Häagen-Dazs Cookie Dough Dynamo? Well, if that’s your pattern at home, then a progressive airline would scoop a pile into a pail and lug it to you back in Economy.
This initiative wouldn’t be that expensive. Most late-night meals are cheaper than dirt. Heck, I know one guy who accidentally ate hand cream he thought was yogurt because he was drunk so he dropped it by accident and it smashed on the kitchen floor and he yelled “Arghh!” and accidentally knocked over a lamp and fell down which freaked out his dog.
Let’s face it: if you’re a late-night fridge creeper like me, and you like to eat hairy nuts you find between the couch cushions then spraying an aerosol can of Reddi-Wip whipping cream directly into your mouth, then that’s the late-night meal you should demand on your red-eye to North Carolina.
Yes, it might make us disgusting pigs … but the customer is always right.
— Ken Hegan
Thanks to Samantha Stanway and her big fine brain