Metal detectors

Sole-searching for pirate booty. Photo: Hammacher Schlemmer

Well, the impossible finally happened…someone perfected summer loafing by inventing Metal-Detecting Sandals.

These sexy little units are sold by Hammacher Schlemmer, a mail-order gadget store that has been proudly offering “the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 164 years.”

Typically they sell geeky futuristic gadgets like Circulation Improving Leg Wraps, Virtual Keyboards, and blizzard-resistant TV screens. But now the geniuses at Hammacher Schlemmer have totally outdone themselves with their new electrified sandals.

On their website, either Hammacher or Schlemmer says these sandals “can detect metal while you walk, allowing you to find buried artifacts while strolling the beach.”

How do they work? The right sandal is embedded with a concealed copper coil that’s wired to a 9-volt battery pack that you strap to your calf muscle (Note: for ease of walking, you should probably strap it to your right calf).

Then, after you’ve carefully slipped your left foot into the other sandal, you simply walk around on the beach, smiling at all the beach babes, and letting your mandals do all the heavy lifting. It’s basically the hands-free alternative to normal metal detectors, which make it appear like you’re ‘vacuuming’ the sand with a bulky two-handed machine. Sure, they attract precious metals, but they also repel attractive strangers.

Instead, when you’re walking the beach in these revolutionary sandals, a magnetic field is created when you walk over metal. A red light flashes on the battery pack and you’ll hear “a clearly audible buzz,” plus the battery pack zaps your leg with “a gentle vibration.”

The battery will give you six hours of metal detecting. Sandal sizes are medium (men’s 7 1/2-9; women’s 8 1/2-10) or large (men’s 9 1/2-12; women’s 10 1/2-13).

The sandals come with non-skid soles, in case you stroll onto a messy beach crime scene. And you can choose any colour you like as long as it’s black.

For most of us, summer is months away. But I’m currently holidaying in Costa Rica and I’m telling you…I could really use a pair of these sandals on this deceptively pristine-looking beach.

SuperKensJust look at the dollar-store sandals that I’m stuck with here in paradise. Yes, they may be called SuperKens but I assure you they have no super powers whatsoever.

Just imagine if these were metal-detecting SuperKens! Simply by fanning my right foot around the beach in expanding concentric circles, I could find buried booty, ammo, land mines, or the gold neck-chain on a hastily-buried Nicaraguan drug lord. Or if I really get lucky, maybe I’ll find an engagement ring in a giant pile of panther crap!

But don’t wait for summer, my friends. This may be the first time in history you can buy a product that will literally pay for itself in seconds. Simply wear them out of the store and straight down to the nearest pirate treasure beach. With the sandals priced at a low low $59.95 US, you’ll turn a profit when you dig up your 1,200th Coke can.

— Ken Hegan


Bing: Do metal detectors work in the snow?

Read all of Ken’s MSN posts here and follow Ken to victory on Twitter

Update: sandals may be temporarily unavailable online. I’ll talk to Hammacher or Schlemmer and get this solved ASAP.