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I’m training myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover.

So I’m taking advice from everyone I can, like gurus, doctors, sexperts and other deviants. In my last column I even asked TORO readers to submit their best sexual tips.

There was a prize, too. In addition to bragging rights, the reader who gave me the best sexual advice would win 30 of the best, thinnest and unused condoms on the planet, manufactured by the good and thorough people at Crown and Kimono of Japan.

Unfortunately nobody has written in yet. So either you want me to add more prizes or you’re hoarding all the best sex tips for yourself.

So I’m giving these condoms to the alley hobos who wake me up at night with their grunts and shouts. And instead of publishing your wise advice, I’m consulting the female sexual mafia. I’m referring of course to the editors of Cosmopolitan.

First published as a family magazine in 1886, Cosmo became a women’s magazine in the 1960s. Each month, Cosmo finds fresh new methods to guilt and goad women into pleasing their men in the sack. And for that, we men are eternally grateful.

Now Cosmo’s editors have published an ebook entitled Cosmo‘s 200 Naughtiest Sex Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less). Priced at $1.95, it’s billed as “a titillating collection of sexual trivia, how-to’s, and tips for success as only the editors of Cosmopolitan could provide.” The editors kept themselves to a 20-word max so they could give readers “straight answers to their most burning questions.”

I grabbed a copy of their ebook and found it to be a fun and riveting read. With Cosmo’s permission, here are a dozen of their 200 answers to readers’ naughtiest sex questions, which I’m sharing with you because, hey, I’m a giver:

Question 1: How can I tell if I smell OK down there?

Cosmo: “Touch yourself and sniff your finger.”

Genius!

Question 2: My mouth gets dry when I give oral. What’s a quick fix?

Cosmo: “Have water nearby to sip.”

Double genius! Such simple yet elegant advice. I’m starting to picture Cosmo as a Zen Buddhist oracle, sitting on a mountain tip where it dispenses sage wisdom in a hooded cloak … and Cosmo’s wearing nothing under that cloak but a sexy smile and a saucy wiggle.

Question 3: Where in my apartment should I have sex that I probably haven’t tried before?

Cosmo: “On or against the bathroom sink.”

This is terrible advice and I’ll tell you why. When I was 28, my crazy girlfriend pulled me into a bathroom at a friend’s cocktail party. My friends bored her, so she wanted to have sex against the bathroom sink.

It sounded like a terrific idea, but unfortunately, we’d picked a stand-alone pedestal sink. Not very strong, as it turns out, and our weight broke the sink. Like idiots, we explained to my buddy that the sink came loose when she rested against it all by herself.

Nobody believed us because:

(A) We came out of the bathroom together, and …

(B) There were only six people at the cocktail party including us, and my friends heard everything. The only other guy at the apartment went back the next day to repair the sink because I’m utterly useless. See also ‘Why I’m Going to Rot in Hell.’

Question 4: I’ve heard it’s unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why?

Cosmo: “If things get bouncy, his penis can slip out and ricochet off the trampoline, breaking it.”

Unclear. What will break: my penis or the trampoline?

Question 5: Does my boyfriend want to see me masturbate?

Cosmo: “Hell, yes.”

Okay, that’s damned fine advice, Cosmo.

Question 6: Are there aphrodisiacs that actually work?

Cosmo: “A recent study found that a cup of coffee stimulates the part of the brain that controls arousal.”

Hmm, rethinking that dating advice I got from Diana in this previous column.

Question 7: What’s a good way to stimulate his nipples?

Cosmo: “Rub some mint lip balm on your finger, and put it on that area. It’ll make them tingle.”

…and then leap out of your bed screaming. Listen, Cosmo, my nipples are sad little dead things so it disturbs me when you flavour them with herbs.

Question 8: Can guys be allergic to their own semen?

Cosmo: “Yes”

Question 9: What’s the smallest penis ever recorded?

Cosmo: “Five-eighths of an inch.”

Jesus Christ. From now on, whenever I’m having a bad day, I’ll take a moment and be thankful I’m not some poor tiny bastard who’s allergic to his own spunk.

Question 10: Any way to take doggie-style to a new level that will blow his mind? [Note: Cosmo’s big on blowing men’s minds]

Cosmo: “Sway your hips from side to side during the act instead of back and forth in order to hit new nerves.”

Printing this tip and posting over my headboard.

Question 11: What are some lesser-known erogenous zones on a guy’s body?

Cosmo: “His scalp and the inside of his nostrils (seriously).”

Huh. I did not know this and now I’m sorry I do.

Question 12: Is it life-threatening for a guy to blow air up your vag while going down on you or is that an urban legend?

Cosmo: “It’s dangerous, since an air bubble could travel to your heart, causing a fatal embolism.”

Good to know. Changing my technique. Thanks, Cosmo. I’m now 3% closer to becoming the World’s Greatest Lover.

 

— Ken Hegan

To read more of Ken’s World’s Greatest Lover columns, click here

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