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To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m seeking advice from every sexpert I can get my hands on.

Basically I’m home schooling myself to become the Hottest Man Alive.

So I’ve instructed Google to send me an alert whenever someone releases a new sex study. Every afternoon now, I get a fresh Google Sex Alert. Which is sort of like an Amber Alert, except wayyyyyyy more erotic.

Below are sex studies I found in each of my last 7 Google Sex Alerts, plus ‘What  I Learned’ from each study:

Day 1, Survey 1:

A study funded by the Witherspoon Institute — a socially conservative think tank founded by “prominent Catholic intellectuals” (sic) — claims heterosexual parents are the best for kids.

However, critics say this study is flawed/useless because it doesn’t look at gay couples that decided to have kids. Instead, the study compares children with straight parents to children from broken ‘straight’ marriages where one of the parents also had a same-sex relationship.

What I Learned From This Study:

When I started reading this article, I had a raging erection. But it withered away the more I read. Conclusion: the words ‘conservative,’ ‘parents,’ ‘flawed’ and ‘Witherspoon’ are anti-erection and I will stop whispering them to my girlfriend in bed.

 

Day 2, Survey 2:

Travel makes you sexy, according to an Intrepid Travel survey on the Australian dating site, RSVP.com.au.

882 single Australian respondents were asked to rate the attractiveness of other people by looking at their dating profiles. When people included ‘Travel’ as an interest, the respondents rated them as more attractive.

‘Daring travellers’ were considered most attractive. 23% claimed ‘adrenaline seekers’ most attractive, followed by ‘off-the-beaten track travellers’ (22%) and ‘cultural connoisseurs’ (16%).

What I Learned:

1) Travel makes you sexy, according to a travel agency.

2) To be sexier, you don’t have to travel, just say you do.

 

Day 3, Survey 3:

Love handles are wrecking your sex life, according to this study at St. Vincent’s University in Ireland. They found that 900 overweight guys had low testosterone levels and low sex drives. But when the men started exercising and eating well, the risk of diabetes went down while their penises went up.

What I Learned:

I think it’s interesting how the study says chubby fellas have low sex drives, but overlooks the possibility that their sex drives are low because people don’t want to have sex with them. Whatever the case, I’ll keep my gut tight with a strict regimen of afternoon beers and hereditary slimness.

Ireland finally has a university! Good for them.

 

Day 4, Survey 4:

Someone who cheats on their partner is less likely to use condoms.

In this study of 1,600 people, University of Michigan researchers found that unfaithful people were 27% less likely to use condoms during vaginal cheatin’, and 35% less likely to use condoms during anal sex cheatin’. Also: unfaithful respondents were 64% more likely to be shitfaced or drugged when they cheated.

What I Learned:

1) Drunks need to feel the real you.

2) Cheaters never prophylactic.

 

Day 5, Survey 5:

Researchers at San Francisco State interviewed 48 gay couples on their shitty after-birth sex life.

“When gay couples become parents, they become very focused on the kids, they are tired, there is less time for communication and less desire for sex,” said professor Colleen Hoff. In other words: they’re no different than exhausted heterosexual parents.

What I Learned:

1) Babies should be arrested as sex killers.

2) New parents are so exhausted, I bet you could talk them into doing truly debauched sex acts, if you convince them it’s somehow good for their baby.

 

Day 6, Survey 6:

According to the Hindustan Times of India, University of Michigan researchers discovered that new parenthood doesn’t cool a woman’s sex drive for long.

304 new mothers reported having sex with their man sooner than the 6-week waiting period that most doctors recommend.

Researchers found that “desire returns to pre-pregnancy levels within about three to four weeks” although most couples don’t resume intercourse until week seven or eight.

And contrary to popular belief that guys are turned off by seeing a human head emerge from their lover’s vagina, “women whose partners were in the delivery room reported stronger sexual desire post-birth.”

What I Learned:

According to the Hindustan Times of India, here is a “couple having sex” with their underwear on:

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Day 7, Survey 7:

Women aren’t just louder on the tennis court. They’re screamers in the sack, too.

Of 1,171 people (566 women, 605 men) surveyed, 94% of the women admitted to being louder during sex than their partners. 70% of the men agreed that their female lovers were louder.

The survey was done by sex retailer Lovehoney to coincide with the launch of their new sex toy, the Sqweel 2.

What I Learned:

1) The Sqweel 2 is a “sex simulator” that you hold against the clitoris. It’s basically an electrified “wheel of 10 teasing silicone tongues that will lap you to orgasm time and time again.”

It’s 30% more powerful than the Squeel, which was unleashed on vaginas three years ago and became the “world’s best selling oral sex toy”

2) The Sqweel 2 is “so human it’s almost eerie” and “ feels more realistic than ever — great news for 8 out of 10 women who wish they received more oral sex.”

3) Vibrators have movie trailers now!

4)Women are filthy animals in bed and hooray for that.