By Ken Hegan for Toro Magazine
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I used to be a terrible lay but now I’m on the comeback trail. In short: I’m teaching myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover.

By following the world’s smartest gurus, my sex life has vastly improved. Prime example: when my female buddies shared their sexy phone etiquette tips, I ditched my cockblocking Soviet-era flip phone, then ran out and bought a smart phone.

What a remarkable difference. This iPhone’s a big improvement to my life and sometimes I even use it as a phone. Like maybe once a month to call my mother. The rest of the time, I use it to send erotic photos taken under low/drunk lighting conditions.

Ah, but change is in the wind. Apple’s new iPhone 5 is coming out soon. And apparently some men are so tech-crazy, they’ll give up sex for a month to get it.

This is from a poll conducted by the eggheads at some think tank called Roxypalace.com. This website — which is a mobile casino, by the way — questioned 800 men who claim they were in “loving relationships”. The researchers discovered that 1 in 11 of these men would go celibate for a month if it meant they could get the new iPhone two weeks early.

That’s right: 1 in 11 men will give up sex FOR A MONTH so they can pay to get a phone early so they can download porn faster while they’re not having sex with a woman.

So basically 1 in 11 men (9 percent) are total fuggen morons. A surprisingly low percentage, come to think of it, given that 46% of Americans believe in Creationism and only 15% of Americans believe humans evolved without any help at all from ‘God’.

I’m sure it’s just an incredible coincidence that the rigorous scientists at Roxypalace.com (which is, again, a mobile casino) polled 800 men WHO LITERALLY GAMBLE ON THEIR PHONES.

News flash, this just in … online gamblers will say and do anything to get their shaky fingers on a gadget that helps them gamble their money away faster and with higher screen resolution. [In theory…tech details are scarce at this point, so there’s no evidence the new phone will be any improvement at all.]

Here’s a question … is giving up sex that big a deal for these guys? I mean, if a guy is so bored by his life that he frequents an online casino, it’s a good bet he’s already celibate. I wouldn’t want to sleep with anyone who rolls the dice by shaking his phone. Would you?

Here are more of Roxypalace’s survey results: a little over one in five of these men (22%) said they’d happily give up coffee for a month to get an iPhone 5, while 14% of these clowns said they’d give up booze, which my lie detector detects is a big fat lie.

And ironically, 53% of the men admitted that they’d used their iPhone to search the Internet for intimate relationship tips. The survey also found that over a third of the men (38%) said they’d be happy to make a ‘significant sacrifice’ to get the new iPhone faster.

By ‘significant sacrifice’, I assume this means they’d give up their:

– Job
– Baby
– Car
– Wife
– Balls

But are sex, wives, babies, and careers even significant to full-blown gambling addicts? I highly doubt it.

Let’s see some real stakes in these sex surveys. Let’s demand a study where scientists offer a new iPhone to men but only if they give up things we men actually hold dear, such as:

– Masturbating like a bonobo monkey that’s high on Chinese erection pills
– A lockout-free NHL hockey season
– Yelling at idiot drivers
– Dreaming of a better life and/or shanking your boss prison-style
– The letter ‘e’. And it’s not voluntary. Your words will still come out of your mouth but without the letter ‘e’ in them. Nothing you say will make a lick of sense.
– Toilet paper

How about you … what would you give up for a phone that lets you send boner pics to your favourite ladies?

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