By Ken Hegan for MSN Travel
So this happened:
Someone actually handed me the keys to this sky blue Ford Mustang convertible and said, “Take it for a week, Ken, and drive it wherever you like. Whistler; Oregon; the Sunshine Coast. Wherever you want to go.”
Naturally I searched the trunk for smuggled guns, dope, bodies, and tracking devices. But the car was clean.
“Why not?” I said, “I could use a getaway car with dealer plates that cannot legally be traced back to me.”For the next seven days, I revved, roared, and tailgated Hyundais and Ladas up and down the West Coast. This is what I learned: the Mustang’s such a ridiculous blend of blue-lit spaceship and ’70s muscle car throwback, you’ll laugh every time you drive it.
#10) Passenger ejection seat to keep the rougher groupies at bay
You don’t want just anybody hopping into your car. But this car has so much alluring swagger, you need a great defense to keep the groupie quality high.
Let’s face it: there’s a reason the paint job’s called ‘Grabber Blue’. This muscle car takes what it wants…and what it wants is a nice hottie in the passenger seat. No bottle tossers wanted.
#9) Flowing ’70s ‘stache
No car channels muscular mid-‘70s convertibles like the 2013 Mustang. To truly feel its horsepower, you need a flowing moustache for the wind to whip back. Just how many stallions are roaring under this hood? By coincidence or design, Ford gives you (ahem) ‘420’ horses to play with. More than enough to keep you as blazed, dazed and confused as Matthew McConaughey.
All right, all right, all right.
#8) Obnoxious ’70s bumper sticker
A bumper sticker demonstrates commitment. By sticking one on your muscle car, it says you won’t be selling any time soon. It says you’re a loyal man who people can trust to stick by his stick shift. And it says needlessly rude stuff like ‘My Other Ride is Your Mom’ which should anger strangers because their Mom’s honor is pure and worth fighting over, of course, yet their Honda Fit doesn’t have the guts to catch you so they cannot explain this to you in person.
#7) Sidemount cameras
The ‘13 Mustang comes with ridiculous options that are fun to record and post on Facebook. Case in point: the tiny blue spotlights hidden under each side mirror. They’re called “pony projection lights” because when you unlock your car at night, they beam the galloping Mustang horse logo onto the ground.
Useful? Nah. [especially if you’re trying to keep a low profile, like when you’re on a P.I. stakeout or you’re being chased by particularly observant stalkers/zombies who notice things like bright blue sidewalk horses].
But these lights are sure fun to brag about online. My big roadtrip this week was a full-throttle race to the Twilight Drive-In out in Langley, BC (one of only 3 drive-ins left in BC). Here’s what the pony projection lights look like:
#6) Mirrored sunglasses
Muscle cars inspire a wide range of emotions in other drivers. Even if you don’t see them, you’ll feel their envy, wonder, bemusement, and hatred. Pay them no mind. Simply grin, nod slowly, and let your shades reflect their emotions right back at them. Because you’re in the business of being wicked, and business is good, my friend.
#5) Inflatable passenger so you can speed in the HOV lane
You’ll never be short on company in this convertible. But sometimes you want a silent partner to help you speed without the chit-chat.
#4) Rotary car phone
For your last-minute, red alert, “I need bar brawl backup” calls.
#3) 8-track tape player
Sure, this Mustang’s already got a wicked sound system. At the drive-in, our brains were assaulted by the sheer volume coming from the hardcore violent action film DREDD. The 8-speaker, 370-watt Shaker™ system made Judge Dredd’s machine guns sound like we were facing an entire firing squad inside a tiny airport bathroom stall.
My inner ear fluid’s still boiling and I can barely hear myself type.
So yeah, killer sound system. But still…the Mustang is so retro, you’ll want to ram an 8-track Grand Funk Railroad cartridge into your dashboard. Either that or install a…
2) Turntable in the trunk
The Mustang ride is smooth enough to listen to Aerosmith’s ‘Sweet Emotion’ the way the song was meant to be heard…loud, cruising, and scratchier than your wild weekend roadtrip stubble.
And the #1 ESSENTIAL OPTION FOR YOUR CONVERTIBLE MUSCLE CAR is:
#1) Aftershave dispenser
Keep your muscle car manly with the Electric Mustang Cologne Dispenser. It fits between the front seats and spurts out vintage Aqua Velva, Old Spice, and Hai Karate.
Did I miss any? Leave a comment below!
— Ken Hegan
Read all Ken’s travel stories here
Photos: Dr. Johnny Fever by CP Images; aftershave logo by Old Spice
The 2013 Ford Mustang convertible was part of Ford of Canada’s media fleet.
2 Responses to 10 things your muscle car should have but doesn’t (yet)
Awesome car. My Mini would give it a run for its money. OK, I didn’t say it would win! 🙂 but I’ve got disco lights that slowly alternate between 6 colors…on the door handles and rear view mirror…would fit in perfectly with the Mustang!
Ford Has Been Outselling The Camaro For The Last 30Years Yet Its Been Getting Its Ass Whooped By Them And I See New camaros Like Maybe Twice A day. There Not Popular Like Early 2010. But As Far As Mustangs. Ive Seen Only 4 2011 5.0s After 5Months Wich Is Good. The Less I See The Better. I Hated Mustangs For There Shitty Performance And Over Popularity-Oh And There Down Syndrome Fan Following.Idk If Ill Ever Trully Like Em!!