By Ken Hegan for MSN Travel

What can you give the zillionaire who has everything (other than more tax loopholes)?

How about this travel-friendly, bulletproof briefcase priced at just $5,995.

Briefcase
A bulletproof attaché is the perfect Christmas gift for successful/paranoid arms dealers and quirky billionaires like Richard Branson to safely tote important valuables (well, valuable to them at least) like the Caramilk Secret, meteorite chunks from Mars, a bag of their blood, a bag of their toenail clippings, their tiny unborn twin floating in a jar (for spare parts), their Top Secret & Totally-Doable plans for lasting peace/war in the Middle East, the bones of the Elephant Man, or the World’s Most Expensive Dog.

Sold by those clever upscale bunnies at Tumi, their Tegra-Lite™ Bulletproof Attaché weighs a shouder-wrenching 12 pounds (5.5 kilograms) which is about 2.5 times as heavy as the standard leather briefcase you’ve seen in ’70s P.I. shows like The Rockford Files.

Bulletproof briefcase interior
To put this weight in perspective, 12 pounds is about as heavy as lugging around:

– six bricks

– a glow-in-the-dark bowling ball

– a slightly rotund gosling

– a large nine-banded armadillo (female)

– the UK’s heaviest baby girl who was born with two teeth already in her mouth

– a computerized sewing machine

– five large bags of sugar

– my humongous Scotch-Irish noggin, and

– the disgusting mound of fur that my dog Kyle barfed up this morning

Yep, the seriously misnamed Tegra-Lite™ is a beast to hoist onto airplanes. If you’re as lazy as you are filthy rich, you’ll probably want to get the burliest flight attendant on the plane (Hint: she’ll be rolling her eyes at people back in coach) to heave and grunt your briefcase up into your Business Class overhead bin.

The Tegra-Lite™ is so heavy because it’s made from vengeance and furious anger. In other words, this briefcase is made from 65 layers of Tegris®, an “anti-ballistic material that meets NIJ Standard 0108.01, Threat Level 1” which I assume means a bad guy in a Hong Kong action film who fires two guns at you while diving in slow motion.

Man with case

Still not satisfied by the case’s ability to ward off armed threats through “proven strength and unparalleled performance”? Check this out: Tumi says the Tegra-Lite™ is constructed from a “revolutionary polypropylene thermoplastic composite” which is used to make “lifesaving armor” for the military, “NASCAR race cars and protective gear for NFL players” who I guess are always getting shot at, too.

Other features include “rich, vachetta leather trim,” a plush suede lining, interior pockets for your iPad, a file divider, “a false bottom to conceal valuables” like the pizza you’re saving for late in the flight, plus a handcuff attachment so your enemies will cut your hand off just as soon as they possibly can.

If you’re dying to buy this baby, you’d better act now. This exclusive, “uniquely iconic” briefcase is a limited edition…only 28 are being made.

What do you think…would you like to travel with a bulletproof briefcase?

— Ken Hegan

BING: how to make your car bulletproof

Read all Ken’s stories here

Twitter: @KenHegan

Photos courtesy Tumi

Thanks to Craig and Samantha

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