To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m following sex advice from the smartest minds on Earth.
This week, I’m studying an excellent guidebook entitled Hot and Fast, a brash primer on how to have “Sexy, Spontaneous Quickies for Passionate Orgasms.”
Here are 10 of her best quickie tips:
1. QUICKIE SEX KIT
Pack “sexy picnic baskets” and keep one in every room, office, and trunk of your car. This quickie sex kit will contain a small vibrator, colored condoms, a blindfold, and black latex gloves because (a) “they’re sexy” and (b) they “hide trace amounts of bodily fluids should you want some anal action.”
Andelloux says anal action is important because “studies show that when people who like their asses played with have something in their brown eye, they are much more likely to experience orgasm.” So she also recommends you pack a butt toy, but be sure it’s ‘flanged’ so your ass doesn’t swallow it whole like the greedy tube it is.
2. MAKE GOOGLE YOUR SEX SLAVE
If you’re in a long-distance (or open) relationship, Andelloux recommends you “use Google as it was intended to be used: for sex.”
In addition to Google video chats, she recommends using Google’s spread sheet feature to make a “quickies spread sheet” that describes “all the places you want to ‘rub bacon’ with a date.”
Preparing to be spontaneous may sound contradictory, but Andelloux says, “you need to prepare for random sexy moments or they won’t happen”…especially if you’re partnered with small kids.
“Think of it like always having a pen on you,” says Andelloux. If a brilliant idea strikes you, you can quickly jot it down…but only if you thought ahead and brought a pen.
Preparing for a quickie is the same. So Andelloux recommends you:
List your favourite sexy things for each of your five senses. Does the colour red get you throbbing? Write it down. Does the smell of sizzling hot pancakes on your nipples get you hard? Write it down. Then share your favourites with each other in notes, texts, and voicemails.
Do Kegel exercises at work. They strengthen your PB (pubococcygeus muscle) that surrounds your genitals and anus in a figure eight. Exercise your PB, and you’ll have explosive orgasms faster. Andelloux recommends you “visualize sucking water into your vagina/anus as you inhale slowly” and suggests you do this 30 times a day, ideally during deadly dull PowerPoint presentations. By quitting time, you’ll be rarin’ for a quickie.
Have one (1) alcoholic drink. “It increases desire, and gets your sexual response cycle in action.”
Always have a smartphone on hand. Andelloux recommends you use it to “time yourself as you masturbate” and then snap a photo of yourself, and send it to your lover “with a message that says how long you spent doing this (whatever “this” was)”
4. TWIST IT
“This is the most amazingly fun way to get into positions!” shouts Andelloux. “If you want to get frisky with Twister but in your bed, you’re in luck,” says Andelloux, because turns out you can order a set of Twister bedsheets
Set up the game board, spin the dial, and whatever hand/feet position it recommends, that’s how Andelloux thinks you should have sex. Which, sounds ridonkulous / impossible. But then again, when I get excited, my fella doesn’t bend very much.
5. THE ZAP APP
Download an app from OhMiBod, a company that sells wireless remote-control vibrators. Wear their vibrator “out on the town” so your lover can make your underwear vibrate whenever they want. They also sell vibrators that pulse to music, so you can always be horny in whatever nightclub you’re slumming in…or even if you’re listening to iTunes while your partner’s making you dinner.
6. THROE BLANKET
You’ll never have to change (or burn) your sex sheets again, if you buy a moisture-proof adult sex blanket called THROE.
“It’s basically a picnic blanket that you can comfortably get dirty on,” says Andelloux. “It’s washable, it signals sexy time, and if someone ejaculates or urinates on it, it’s all good!” [Except for the part where someone peed on you and your blanket]
7. SPORTS TAPE
“Make your own cock ring” with the durable Velcro sports tape that hockey players use to keep their shin pads tight. But don’t tie it too tight and remember to remove it in less than half an hour.
8. TRIM YOUR NAILS
You want to gently probe inside somebody’s body, not carve them up like a Christmas turkey.
9. THE BEST QUICKIE SPOTS … INSIDE AND OUTSIDE
On page 69, Andelloux starts to list dozens of fun locations to have a hot and fast quickie. She lists the pros and cons for each locale, supplies you’ll need, emotions the location’s best suited for, the odds of sex happening there, whether you need to wash up afterwards, plus the hazards/dangers.
Some of her best suggestions:
1) In a pillow or cushion fort (check!)
2) In front of a window (check!)
3) A child’s bedroom (preferably if the child isn’t there)
4) At a concert (recommended supplies: no underwear, hand sanitizer, vibrating butt plug)
5) In a movie theatre (Tips: don’t sit in the front row, keep it quiet and disinfect your hands afterwards before you touch the exit door)
6) On holy ground (maybe I did this once but I can’t remember. I’ll have to check with the religious cult who kidnapped me when I was 22-24)
7) In the library stacks (Upside: there’s no need to wash up afterward because as Andelloux says, “I find the smell of books hot. I wouldn’t want to wash that off my skin anytime soon”)
8) Under a pool table
9) At a costume party (hellllllo, staff Halloween bash)
10) At a class reunion, wedding (check!), or commitment ceremony
11) At a funeral [I can’t wait for a friend to die so I can try this one out]
10. AVOID THE WORST QUICKIE LOCATIONS
Andelloux says there are only two places you shouldn’t have a quickie:
1) On an airplane
2) In a sauna
Why not? You’ll have to read her book to find out. Visit Amazon to pre-order your copy (it’s, ahem, coming soon).