By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
I used to be a crap lay but now I’m on the comeback trail. To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m taking advice from love doctors, sexperts, sex toy manufacturers and street perverts. Each week, I’m learning something new and filthy.
Based on her bio, author Susan Austin is a real goer. A “tantric yoga practitioner,” she believes in “awakened consciousness through sex.” The last part of her bio is my favourite: “When she’s not attending meditation and yoga retreats around the world, Austin enjoys long-distance walking and rooftop gardening.” I assume she combines those last two hobbies to pull off some sneaky rooftop gardening heists.
Wherever she learned it, Austin definitely knows how to scorch the sheets. Her sex advice is infinitely better than the horrible cunnilingus tips my buddy Darryl used to give me when we were both small-town teenage virgins (e.g. “Pretend you hate it so she’ll do anything to please you.”)
For just $17.95 US, Austin’s wise book gives you 20 ‘sex position sequences.’ Each sequence is comprised of five progressively hot sex positions “that will impress any lover.” And each position has a paragraph to describe how (and why) to do it, above an airbrushed photo of a hot naked couple who look like really naughty paintings.
Follow these sequences, and you and your lover will go from “erotic start to spine-tingling stretch to [a] mind-blowing finish” that will “light the sheets on fire.”
The sequences have names like ‘Jack Hammer’, ‘Bed Boogie and Bounce’, ‘Rug Roughhousing’, ‘Spinning Spoons’, ‘O! O! Ottoman’ and a scary-sounding ‘Back Flip 69.’
Each sequence is mapped out like ‘chess gambits.’ Or, put another way, it’s like learning to dance the Macarena if everyone was naked.
There are five kinds of moves in each sequence:
1) The Warm-Up (“this could mean an erotic blow job for him, ravenous oral for her”)
2) The First Transition (a change-up maneuver to boost your “red-hot sexual intensity”
3) The Challenge (“something a bit more acrobatic”)
4) Transitioning to the Home Stretch (a slick move “designed to keep the intensity building” cuz you’re on “the verge of climax”)
5) The Finale (“a classic and heart-pounding climactic position that will leave you both in a final state of ecstasy”)
I found the sequences to be quite inspiring.
For example, ‘The Office’ sequence is fun, naughty and involves role-playing. It begins with the naked “boss” guy easing “his secretary’s naked bottom into his lap, her body facing away from him” (Note: this sequence skips the parts where they’re wearing clothes and having meetings and talking about widgets and annual reports).
The next transitional sex move is “standing rear-entry.” Easy as pie. But the third move really ramps it up. Basically, boss guy “orders his secretary to lean over the desk, face down, pressing her torso flat” while he rams her like a champ.
As they sprint to the finale, the boss guy “coaxes his secretary into a spread-eagle, her cheek and torso still pressed against the desk, her legs off the floor hugging her boss’s thighs,” and then finishes as “the secretary assumes the classic bow position, which shows respect, submission, and gratitude for her boss,” exposes her rump to “its widest receptivity” which “brings the pair into an unforgettable climax.”
Which, I’m sure you’ll agree, is wayyyy hotter than closing your eyes and thinking of England.
I’m impressed with how Austin has (ahem) laid out each sequence. They’re well thought out and as you dive deeper into her book, the sequences should progressively enhance your bed play.
That said, not every sequence works for everyone. For a minority of guys, some moves actually look dangerous. Let’s say you’re 17 and have an erection every five minutes that sproings right up tight against your washboard abs. Or maybe you’re a Cialis-gobbling man with a ridiculously vertical boner. Or maybe you’re one of those rare super-stiff fellas whose erection aims ‘true north’ and simply will not bend south.
If so, then some of these moves might snap your member clean off. For example, the ‘Turn Around’ sequence on page 82 (where the lady rides the guy ‘reverse-cowboy’ style) would totally pulverize my dong. If I tried that, I’d be so wrecked and ruined for life, my next move would be begging for change from a wheelchair.
On the bright side, I learned many positive things from this book:
1) Straight sex doesn’t have to be boring! Don’t get caught in a rut of grudging foreplay, followed by girl on top, missionary, doggy style, you climax, she doesn’t, then she cries for some reason and I have to leave.
2) Instead, this book gives you exciting and creatively curated choices that surely will some day make you rival me for the title of the World’s Greatest Lover.
3) The naked models are having so much fun/drugs, THEY NEVER OPEN THEIR EYES. My goal, then, is to get so good at these sequences, I can do ‘em with my pretty blue eyes closed.
4) Judging by the female model’s ‘O face’, it seems that women enjoy sex, too, even when they’re snapping your penis like a celery stick.
5) The book encourages you to use your imagination. For example, if you’re buying this book to see peckers or vag, you’ll be disappointed. His penis and her vagina are always hidden by hands, hips, and shadows, just like the donkeys in those Jesus Christ cartoon books that the priests made us read in Sunday School. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. USE YOUR MIND, PEOPLE.
To get your own highly-recommended copy of Sex Position Sequences, order it online from Amazon, or do what I did, and steal it from the library and masturbate to it on the subway.*
*This may or may not be true. There was drinking involved and I’m certain I took pictures but then I lost my camera in a fight with a commuter.