By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m learning something new and filthy all the time. This week: I’ve got my grubby hands on a hot new book called The Simultaneous O: A Couple’s Guide to Achieving the Ultimate Climax.

Which is a pretty sad title, really, because ‘ultimate’ means last. What’s the premise here … Will it teach me how to have a simultaneous orgasm that’s so amazing, it will kill me/us?

I had to find out, so I scoured the 192-page book for clues. According to the publicity blurb, “plenty of books promise great sex” but “Simultaneous O is different … it offers tips, tricks, and positions to maximize pleasure for both partners as it shows how to have orgasms at the same moment.”

The book’s author is Dr. Ashleigh Turner-Corbeil, whose name sounds like a steamy redheaded veterinarian in a bodice-ripping Harlequin novel set deep in the Louisiana bayou. Turns out she’s actually a Vancouver-based clinical sexologist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality. And since she’s an expert on amazing, feel-good, life-altering sex tricks, I bet you’ll now want to Google her so you can perve on her pictures. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Got that out of your system? Great. She’s happily married, by the way, so feel guilty.

Let’s move on to Dr. Turner-Corbeil’s tips on how to have an orgasm so fantastic, it will destroy you.

She has 11 chapters with riveting titles like ‘Sexual Response Cycle’ and ‘Considerations for Penetrative Sex’. Lazy readers, like me, might be tempted to just hand the book to their lover, dim the lights, pour some wine, point to the latter chapter, and let the magic unfold, baby.

Each chapter ends with a homework assignment. For example, at the end of chapter 1, her homework assignment is “do the homework I recommend” in this book. In chapter 2 entitled ‘Communication’, her homework assignment is to write a sex fantasy starring you and your lover. Then pass your story to your lover and get them to write the next paragraph.

Which frankly sounds like lazy storytelling. But I see why she recommends this homework. Simultaneous orgasms are about envisioning and sharing joy. Also: shouting, throwing fits, and scaring pets.

On page 64, Dr. Turner-Corbeil recommends couples watch porn. She says it can be helpful to get them in the mood, and recommends trying to time your orgasm to the couple on screen. Not a bad idea, provided I don’t beat myself up for not wielding a King Kong porn star dong.

Another way you can learn to have a simultaneous O is by breathing. For starters, taking a deep breath just before you climax increases the amount of oxygen in your blood which keeps you alive long enough to achieve orgasm and fall asleep on your lover’s chest [I read that somewhere else, possibly a bathroom stall].

But Dr. Turner-Corbeil recommends you take breathing a step further.

She says that learning to breathe together helps you match rhythms and sync your movements and orgasms. So she recommends sitting facing your mate in a quiet place, hold hands, pick a breathing ‘leader’ who the other one mirrors, then breathe naturally for five minutes.

Not sure I could do any of that without laughing or accidentally farting.

So I skipped ahead to the gold stuff … I’m referring to the second-last chapter on ‘Positions for Men and Women’ that teaches men and women how to speed up or delay your orgasm so you can time it to match your lover. Sort of like how a jockey whips and drugs his racehorse.

Dr. Turner-Corbeil shares a number of excellent, orgasm-delaying positions for women. These include sex positions like missionary, woman on top, from behind without additional stimulation, man standing & woman lying down with legs up, sitting facing each other, and the man spooning the woman while texting their son [I may have made up that last one, pay no attention to it].

The doctor also shares two ideal orgasm-delaying positions for men:

Missionary position:

“Although this can also encourage orgasms, having the ability to slow down penetration can also be beneficial.”

From behind a.k.a. doggy style:

“Some men find that they can last longer if they can’t see their partner’s face or be close to them, as it’s less of an emotional connection. Their partner can also widen their legs and hips to allow for less friction with the penetration.”

Plus the man has more control over tempo and the depth of his plundering [that’s my special term for it, not the doctor’s].

Oh and the doctors offers interesting stats. She says 5% of penises point straight up when erect, and 5% of penises point down when erect. Jesus!

So if you’re within either of those percentiles, the doctor says you should avoid extreme sex positions that will bend/snap your penis the wrong way. Let’s face it: a floppy, broken dong won’t simultaneously do anything, except bleed while making you long for your distant, innocent youth when you didn’t have to worry about sex at all.

Anyway, this is a great little book with far too many simultaneous orgasm tips for me to list here. Ergo, I heartily recommend this handbook, even if it doesn’t come with any titillating photos or cartoons.

You can use the World Wide Web to order a copy of The Simultaneous O: A Couple’s Guide to Achieving the Ultimate Climax, and learn more about Dr. Turner-Corbeil’s work via her website.