By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

In my quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’ve learned cheesy pickup lines that actually work, oral sex that’ll blow her mind and how to perform the ancient art of “The Quickie.”

Now I’m learning sex tips from some random woman on the Internet.

A British sexpert, Siski Green, has written two jaunty guidebooks — How to Blow Her Mind in Bed and her companion volume How to Blow His Mind in Bed (which, judging by the stretched and Photoshopped legs on the cover, means you need the little, celery stick legs of an eight-year-old boy).

She writes sex columns for Cosmo readers and recently posted a helpful iVillage column entitled “69 Sex Tricks.” By the way, that’s an impressive number of sex tricks. Siski’s obviously a frisky, creative gal.

The great thing about learning her 69 sex tricks? If even five of her tricks are horrific or just plain unworkable for my body type (i.e. lazy), Siski’s got another 64 more tricks to blow my superfine girlfriend’s mind and, I guess, send her straight to the sexual insane asylum.

First, a disclaimer: Siski is not actually delivering sex ‘tricks.’ She’s not a magician or illusionist. And Siski is not suggesting you become a prostitute or gigolo. Rather, these are fun and accessible tips on how to make sex as fun as possible.

Now, 69 tricks are a lot to cover here, so I’ll whittle them down to a few of my absolute favourites:

Siski’s sex trick #9:

“Play Twister. Nude. And wet. It removes inhibitions and gets you in positions you wouldn’t usually attempt.”

I say: Interesting premise. Inventive and fun. But I ain’t gonna try it for four reasons:

1) As Seinfeld said, “There’s good naked and bad naked.” I’m bald and have zero body fat, so guess which kind of naked this is? No way am I playing nude, shivering Twister.

2) Wet feet on plastic = slipping, scrambling and pulled muscles. It’s like when I bathe my dog and he panics and tries to escape on wet paws.

3) We’ll be too busy sucking our guts in to get off.

4) Extreme Twister stretching leads to accidental farts-in-faces.

Sex trick # 16:

“If you enjoy outdoor sex, try this: take a drive to the country, open the car’s sunroof and perch yourself on the edge of it, with your legs dangling down inside. Now have your man — who is still inside the car — lick you to orgasm. If anyone should pass by, you’ll simply look like you’re sunbathing and, once you’re done, it’s his turn.”

I say: Unclear, Siski … whose turn will it be next, your man or the passerby? Also: cars have see-through windows. That passerby will see everything, which may explain why he wants his turn next. Plus, name one person who sunbathes while standing upright in a car. Guess this is a British thing; you drive all over the countryside until you find the one spot, anywhere, where the sun is actually shining.

Sex trick #29:

“Forget the old sex and chocolate recommendations — cheese contains more phenylethylamine, the chemical that gives you that chocolate ‘high.’ So order a cheese platter after dinner and see if doesn’t get you both in the mood.

I say: this is a fantastic tip, especially since chocolate plunges me into instant depression. So instead, I melted mozzarella on sandwiches and fed them to my girlfriend. The cheese provided so much randy energy, we even took the blankets and built the World’s Greatest Living Room Fort. Thanks, Siski!

Sex trick # 23:

“Make oral sex better for you and for him with some ice cream. But don’t just spoon it on — buy an ice cream cone, bite off the end and slip it over his still-soft penis. Now add the ice cream and take your time nibbling and licking until he’s so hard that he breaks out of the cone! Who ever said ice cream was just for kids.”

I say: This could be a ton of fun if you like cold, sticky food on your cock. It’s not a new idea, though … I first heard this advice when I was 13. Man, that ice cream truck driver had a wild imagination.

Sex trick #40:

“Sing to him while you give him oral pleasure. The lower the notes the more vibrations he’ll feel and, believe us, he won’t care if you’re in tune or not — it’ll feel great.”

I say: this is a fine trick. Highly recommended. Just as long as your girlfriend’s not blowing you while singing depressing breakup songs. If she’s crying and singing anything by Adele or Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know,” you’re in more trouble than you know.

Sex trick #43:

“Go ape to improve your sex life. Gorillas may have tiny penises (less than 3 cm long) but they make up for it with hours of arousing mutual grooming. Doing this releases pleasure-inducing brain chemicals and makes great foreplay. Have your man wash your hair or ask him to rub your body lotion in. Or offer to scrub his back while he’s in the bath. Who said sex had to be dirty?”

I say: fine advice. I’m off to do this right now. First to my superfine girlfriend, then I’m going to do it to a gorilla. I have to see his tiny rod!

To test out more of Siski’s sex tips, dim the lights, get some lube ready, then click here for the full 69 tricks.