By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

If you believe in happily ever after, this study may depress the hell out of you.

According to a study of 2,000 married women, less than half of these women say their husband is the best lay they’ve ever had. So either most wives think their best sex is wayyy behind them; or else their best sex is still ahead of them … but only after they ditch the chump with whom they’re currently sharing a bed & mortgage.

Where does that leave me? Well, I used to be married and I used to be a lousy lay. But now that I’m divorced and on the sexual comeback trail, I’m learning from sex gurus and other perverts how to become the World’s Greatest Lover.

Porn-stars-have-more-fun.jpg

Recently I’ve learned how to achieve simultaneous orgasms, and how to perform public car sex for eager (and possibly hobo) bystanders.

This week I learned scorching hot sex tips from two sources:

1) A “small Turkish study” (of small Turkish people, no doubt) published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that men in their 30s who have severe gum disease were more than three times as likely to suffer from erection problems.

[read more below]

According to researchers, the (potential) link between dental and erectile problems is vascular health.

“Gum disease can reduce the elasticity of the endothelial lining of blood vessels, [which] may also be linked to erectile dysfunction,” said Dr. Fatih Oguz, assistant professor in the urology department in the School of Medicine at İnönü University in Malatya, Turkey.

Granted, gum disease is kinda rare, affecting just 4 to 12 percent of adults in the USA. But then again, why risk a boner? That’s why, as of last night, I’ve started flossing my teeth daily.

Also, in coincidental news, “Fatih Oguz” is what I yell when I’m coming.

2) Meanwhile, a surprising study in the Journal of Sex Research says ‘pornography actresses’ have higher self-esteem than ordinary women who haven’t learned how to unhinge their jaws.

Researchers tackled the ‘Damaged Goods Hypothesis’ which says women act in porn because they have terrible self-worth and were abused as children.

But turns out the hypothesis is wrong. After surveying 177 female porn stars (aged 18 to 50, who’d acted in at least one X-rated film), researchers discovered porn stars:

-were an average age of 26

-had performed in adult films for 3.5 years (on average)

-44% were single

-63% were Caucasian

These porn actresses were then matched with a comparative group of women who hadn’t starred in porn films (yet). The result? Researchers found that:

“porn actresses had higher levels of self-esteem, positive feelings, social support, sexual satisfaction, and spirituality compared to the matched group.” [Wait a minute … porn stars are more spiritual?]

Not only that, but “porn actresses were more likely to identify as bisexual, first had sex at an earlier age [15 instead of 17], had more sexual partners, were more concerned about contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), and enjoyed sex more than the matched sample.” You read that correctly: they don’t just get paid to pretend to enjoy sex more, they actually enjoy sex more. In fact, 119 of the porn actresses (which is, ahem, 69% of them) “marked a 10 as their enjoyment of sex.” Yay!

Sure, they also consumed more drugs than the real-life girls next door [which isn’t necessarily a bad thing]. However, researchers found no differences in childhood sexual abuse between porn stars and non-porn stars.

So much for the Damaged Goods Hypothesis. So what has this info taught me?

Well, the takeaway is crystal clear:

To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’ll use props, cameras, and stage lights to convince my Superfine Girlfriend that she is actually a porn star. I will:

1) Renovate my separate bedroom, transforming it into a fake schoolroom set with a teacher’s desk and a chalkboard with naughty, misspelled assignments on it.

2) Not let her in my class until she’s wearing dark-rimmed glasses, a tiny wee plaid skirt, can produce ID (even fake ID, whatever) that proves she’s 18, passed a blood test, signed a waiver, and is sucking a lollipop.

3) Her first in-class assignment? Sensually flossing my teeth. Because otherwise, man, flossing is fucking boring.