By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
So I’m training to be the World’s Greatest Lover by learning slick moves from filthy, clever sexperts.
This week: Christmas came early when I opened the mailbox to find a deck of ‘101 Sex Positions’ cards. I ordered these weeks ago. And by ordered, I mean, I demanded the publisher send me a sample pack to try with my superfine girlfriend.
The Sex Positions deck contains 51 large, double-sided cards depicting 101 creative and exciting sex positions. The box invites you to “go far beyond monotonous missionary and dull doggy for passionate, pleasurable play like nothing you and your partner have ever experienced.”
Each challenging/wacko sex maneuver is illustrated with a photo of an attractive, super-flexible, young straight couple with bendy hips and heads full of flowing raven-coloured tresses. Also: evvvvverybody’s naked.
These photos are so warm and pretty to look at, you’ll want to frame and hang them up in your living room or nursery. The models are so lovingly lit, their nude skin so burnished and beautiful, they look like the photo-realistic illustrations of Jesus in the Bible storybooks I had to read in Sunday School.
This nifty position No. 37 [left] is called ‘The Cheerleader.’ The helpful write-up on the card says, “Give her an O! Give her an O! Gooooooo O! He’ll need to work fast to bring this move to its climax, so he may want to warm her up with a fingertip pep rally first.”
It’s a bit advanced, so you may want to start with position No. 58 [right]. It’s called ‘Up Against the Wall’ and features a man (Haircut Jesus again) standing with his hands against a wall, as he warms up a cold, shivering woman by placing his penis in her mouth. She’s sitting on the ground between his legs, as if she’s homeless, lazy, or camped out for a Boxing Day Blowout Sale at Best Buy.
For something more exotic, try No. 91 [below left] entitled ‘World’s Strongest’ in which Haircut Jesus does the 69 with a woman while he’s standing and SHE’S UPSIDE DOWN. Risky maneuver, this one. The guy’s just one knee-buckling orgasm away from dropping her on her head and paralyzing her sweaty spine. TIP: only attempt this if you’re a circus strongman and she’s a ballerina, or you’re a barrel-chested superhero with a young boy sidekick.
Yeah, these ain’t your grampa’s deck of cards. Also: if you find these are your grampa’s cards, put them down and repeatedly wash your hands.
Alas, you can’t use these cards to play Bridge or Go Fish. There aren’t any Aces, Kings, Queens, or Jacks, and they don’t come with spades, clubs, or hearts. The only diamonds on these cards are the thin landing strips on the naked, O-face ladies.
These cards are designed for two things only: sexual inspiration or decorating your office/kitchen. The box says you can use the cards to try out “one new position per week for nearly two years of frisky fun.” You can “pull a card at random” and “instantly turn up the heat between the sheets.” Or you can “turn it into a game by hiding a few cards in specific locations around your home to give your partner a playful hint as to what you’d like to do – and where.”
Me, I’d like to try something sexy in our bathroom. So I flipped through the cards and found position No. 80 [below] entitled, ‘Head Rush’.
In this one, the woman is upside down with her bare feet against the wall, while the man appears to be blowing her up like she’s an inflatable floaty.
I also found sex position #17 called ‘Tribal Rhythm’, where a couple does a weird jungle sex act to make them look like a human skull.
This is anatomically impossible. Look at these two! To penetrate her from that angle, this guy would need a long, snaking, S-shaped penis that he might also use to unclog drains or clean a saxophone.
But these cards don’t scare me … they challenge me. What’s a little penis snapping on the path to becoming the World’s Greatest Lover? So I’ve hidden both cards in the medicine cabinet, behind my big bottle of Chinese boner pills.
Hopefully my girlfriend finds them before her parents do on their next visit.
To order your pack of 101 Sex Position cards, click here.