By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m studying tips from scientists, doctors and love gurus around the world. This week, my sexpert is my buddy ‘Phil.’
His girlfriend ‘Vanessa’ was browsing in a health food store recently when she discovered a male enhancement product called Ejaculoid. It comes in a container of big blue pills. You can buy it online, in vitamin shops and gyms or wherever you find clusters of small-balled men.
An American company (I prefer to call them a ‘think tank’) called Goliath Labs is the product’s designer/distributor. To please their bodybuilder customer base, Goliath Labs also sells body-boosting products like Stimuloid, Groloid, Thermoloid, Humoloid, Tribuloid, Recycloid and Vitamonster (which was no doubt named by an intern who didn’t realize that their products must all rhyme with steroid).
Goliath Labs’ website touts Ejaculoid as the “#1 MALE VOLUMIZER” which promises to “MAXIMIZE YOUR LIBIDO” and “FILL YOUR LOVER” with “NATURAL MALE EXPLOSIONS” that will and give her “MORE PLEASURE.” Ejaculoid is also billed as “The Extreme Sexual Stimulant” that delivers “stronger blood flow” and “bigger, better orgasms.”
In short: Ejaculoid will increase the volume of your cum.
On a whim, she bought a container and handed it to Phil.
“Let’s test it out. Fill my ultimate desires!” she said.
Now, far as I know, Phil is a normal healthy guy. He claims to have no problems getting or maintaining erections, and says his come load is average. Then again, Phil says he’s never seen another man’s semen, except in porn money shots. So how would he know?
Maybe in reality Phil’s a really small spurter and Ejaculoid’s just what he needs to turn his life around. Maybe, if he follows instructions, Phil could start spurting rivers of happiness like Canadian-born porn star Peter “The Sperminator” North, whose loads are so legendary he inspires gobsmacked Ask Yahoo! threads.
For best results, Goliath Labs says their product needs to build up in your system for a minimum of 14 days. So Phil agreed to swallow the strange blue pills for two weeks.
Vanessa and Phil did a test run on Day 1. They had sex but instead of ejaculating inside her, he came on her stomach. Then he jumped up and told Vanessa to “stay put.”
“My phone was out in the living room,” he told me, “so I ran naked down the hall, scared the cat, grabbed the phone, and then ran back to the bedroom where I took six photographs of her lower stomach. I used my thumb as a visual reference. Not a proper scientific ruler but what the hell. My load was about two inches wide and looked like a Rorschach blot.”
For two weeks, Phil dutifully swallowed two pills a day. You’re supposed to take it a couple of hours before sex. And since Phil and Vanessa are one of those few and lucky couples who enjoy daily doses of sex, Phil didn’t get much work done.
“I spent two weeks either having sex with Vanessa, daydreaming about sex with Vanessa, or looking down in amazement as I grew a horse-sized dong for her.” He’s joking, but not by much.
Ejaculoid’s “proprietary blend” of ingredients contains aphrodisiacs like Horny Goat Weed (which I’ve written about here), Longjack Extract (which couldn’t possibly be better named), and a small amount of Yohimbe, an alkaloid extracted from the bark of a West African tree. (By the way, if you swallow too much Yohimbe, the Internet claims it can kill you.
Phil didn’t care. He trusted the scientists at Goliath Labs to deliver a safe and healthy product.
By Day 3, he said, “my erections had become these incredibly purple and angry-looking things.”
On Day 7, he experienced “almost feverish daydreams” in which “my massive, throbbing, rock-hard cock made her legs spread wide, much like Moses parting the Red Sea by thrusting out his staff.”
Day 9 he said he was “ramming and sperminizing her like an absolute champ…almost as mercilessly as the time I swallowed the Levitra she stole.”
Then came Day 15. The day of reckoning. After two weeks of inside jobs, it was time for Phil to see how much fluid he was flinging in her.
“Our sex was incredible. I felt that rush of excitement as I hurtled towards orgasm. She was panting and coming with me. So hot. But just in time, I pulled out and fired…and hit her neck and hair! It was ridiculous. I didn’t try to do it. It just rocketed out, like it had a mind of its own. I couldn’t even take a picture of it because it splattered all over like someone had jumped in a puddle.”
“So it worked?” I asked him.
“Are you kidding?” he said, laughing. “I nearly shot her face off, man! An inch to the left, and a team of surgeons would’ve had to reconstruct her smile.”
I learned three things from Phil’s experience:
1) To properly test your semen sample, use clean plastic cups (but make sure they don’t resemble drinking glasses).
2) I bet you could sweet-talk a beautiful woman into having sex with you if you tell them “I’m testing my come load for the benefit of all science.”
3) Goliath Labs isn’t kidding around. If they say their product contains Longjack Extract, your jack will indeed go long.
Ejaculoid costs $29.99 USD for 60 capsules and can be ordered via goliathlabs.com/products/ejaculoid/
Read more of Ken’s ‘World’s Greatest Lover’ columns here