Woman whispersSo I’m learning how to be the World’s Greatest Lover by studying a book called The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty.

It’s written by Dr. Ruth Neustifter who everyone knows is a dirty little cum-bucket shanty whore. Wait wait wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. First I’ll read her book, then I’ll call her filthy names.

She’s a sex counsellor but not that dwarfy Dr. Ruth from the ‘80s. This one, Dr. Ruth Neustifter (the blurb says friends call her Dr. Ruthie), is a DC-based relationship expert who specializes in “sexual communication” and wears a flower in her hair. So she’s been around the skanky block.

The book’s subtitle (‘Ignite Your Sex Life with Naughty Whispers, Hot Desires, and Screams of Passion’) assumes you haven’t had good sex in forever. It should be sub-subtitled “Buy this if you’re a soccer mom whose sex parts are like crumpled newspapers and dry kindling that desperately need a match.”

Worried you’re too nice to spew filth at your man? Don’t fret, says Dr. Ruthie.

“Nice girls like you and I can be the very best dirty talkers—nobody expects it of us!” she writes, adding, “Dirty talk is a learned skill.”

First tip: prepare for ‘aural seduction’. Dr. Ruth urges you to take charge of your sex life and stop waiting for someone to read your mind.

Next tip: seize the day.

“Embrace your seductive energy right now. Lower your book for a moment and … send a loving text message to your main squeeze.”

Dr. Ruthie says there are three levels of dirty talk:

Level 1) Describing Objects

Start your flirting by describing a sensual object you’re about to lick or grind on — like wine or a strawberry — and then add “and I was thinking of you.” For example: “Baby, I’m sipping wine and nibbling a ripe strawberry and marveling as the skin resists me at first then gives to my teeth as it yields softly to my pressure … and I’m thinking of you.”

Note: this is a text you would send, not something you say to your lover’s face if you are not in fact sipping wine or a strawberry, and are actually holding foul dripping diapers.

Level 2) Describing Your Attributes

Time to personalize your lust. Instead of starting with a clumsy “I really like your…”, Dr. Ruthie recommends you “pick a sense and describe it: ‘The curve at the side of your hip catches the light from outside just so, drawing my eye over your skin to the pool of light at your inner thigh.’”

Which sounds like poetry for lesbians. What’s with this hip business? Men don’t even realize we have hips. Just tell me/him that I’m/he’s HUUUGE … longer, taller, stronger, and more mightily built than anyone you’ve ever met.

Though Dr. Ruthie does make an excellent point. Personalizing your dirty talk is important. Dirty texts shouldn’t read like a form letter, and pillow talk shouldn’t sound like a TED talk. Give specifics on your bodies. Brag about your lover’s sexy legs, walk, laugh, abs, ass, chin, chest hair, or skin grafts from that terrible fire.

Level 3) Desires, Actions, and Corresponding Sensations

Dr. Ruthie says adjectives and adverbs are your dirty little buddies, stuff like “throbbing,” “you’re so hot to the touch,” “musky and salty,” and “I want to find out if your skin gets softer where the light fades away” (again with the lesbian haikus).

Dr. Ruthie’s counseled scores of women on how to talk like filthy trucker whores. They trust her so much, they forwarded their private sex conversations to Dr. Ruthie. Who then promptly published them as sample scripts for you to use on your fella.

Here’s a sample text conversation between Jo and her man Peter:

Jo: Can I bounce up and down on your cock, Daddy? Like a bouncy castle?

Peter: Naughty girl. If you are good and do what you are told. Share with Daddy.

Jo: Thank you, Daddy. I will certainly do as I am told.

P: Trust Daddy, let him teach you.

J: What are you going to teach me?

P: How to be a big girl.

J: I thought I was pretty good at being a big girl already.

P: You will have to look after your Daddy.

J: I would love to look after my Daddy.

P: Good girl…

[etc., etc. There’s lots more daddy stuff, then Peter abruptly brings up another woman:]

J: I miss the feel of your cock deep in my ass, balls-deep, pounding away.

P: I only fucked her ass for the first time in November. She practiced. She took it all, deep.

J: Oh, wow. Well, you’re big. We can DP [Editor: ‘double penetration’] her too. Can we both fit in her pussy? I love having two cocks in my pussy, getting off on rubbing each other.

Mmmm, hot, huh? I’m so aroused by imagining rubbing against another man’s penis, my laptop keeps sliding off.

The book also has homework assignments, a ‘Sensual Language Guide,’ and space to write down your fantasies.

In short: it’s not for dudes or club kids. This is a beginner’s manual for middle-aged moms who’ve decided to have sex again instead of sighing and posting sad/sarcastic quotes on Facebook.

Things I learned from this book:

– Don’t be shy. Girls who say what they want, get what they want.

– Practice makes people wet.

– You don’t have to be a bombshell to be a potty-mouthed slut. Quoting a sex historian, Dr. Ruthie notes that “if you study the great seductresses [throughout history], one thing they had in common was great verbal skills. It was their chief aphrodisiac.”

– Why no sexy photos? All we get is a cartoon from the ‘40s on the cover with a dame kissing a Brylcreemed chump and both are fully clothed. Boo.

– If you don’t ignite your sex life with dirty talk, your genitals will dry up and fall off, and you’ll be mortified when your kid or dog picks them up with its mouth.

You can order your own copy of The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty here, you nimble little scabby-kneed tramp.

Read more of Ken’s World’s Greatest Lover columns here