By Ken Hegan for MSN Travel
While North Americans are shaking and freezing through a horrendously punishing winter, the world’s fashion-elite have arrived in these balmy tropics to show off their new haute couture tropical resort collections.
The sky is a lovely periwinkle blue, the hot sun is bleaching the sand, and it’s a perfectly warm 31 degrees Celsius (88 Fahrenheit). So to combat the heat, we’re sucking on mojitos and ogling glamorous models as they parade up and down these white-hot catwalks by the infinity pools and swim-up pool bar.
The first model on the runway is this Midwestern model sporting a lovely Gold’s Gym T-shirt.
The Gold’s Gym shirt is fashionably big and baggy. Male fashionistas wear it to appear strong and mighty like ‘70s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger, while resort women wear it as a slimming agent to conceal excess piña colada poundage. The GG shirt (XXL is the preferred size) protects your back from sunburn when you’re pounding back rainbow shots at the swim-up bar. And the wet clingy cotton cools your skin down when worn as semi-formal evening wear.
None. There is no downside to the Gold’s Gym T-shirt. This 100% cotton gem is the perfect resort hybrid of vintage chic and fashion-forward functionality.
The next model on the runway is this devilish chap sporting a flaming biker head scarf.
The flaming scarf protects his scalp from actual burning, while also protecting him from being scratched by his many wet and wild female admirers.
His ears are burning (and not just because we’re all whispering about his good looks) and the inescapable tan line will make it appear like he’s had a frontal lobotomy.
Next on the runway is this intriguing mash-up of Costco glam and Harley Davidson couture. From his ball cap down to his water socks, there isn’t much to complain about this timeless resort look.
This look seamlessly blends high fashion and mobile action wear. The baseball cap keeps him cool while flying his home team colours. The over-sized Harley T-shirt is a grim warning to never cut ahead of him in the tequila lineup because he’s a lawless, iron-fisted biker. His Hawaiian swim trunks shout ‘festive’ and ‘surf pro’. Plus, the snug water socks look great when you’re strutting around the pool and offer excellent traction in a swim-up bar brawl.
The big downside to this look is the burning jealousy you’ll inspire in others.
Next on the runway is this handsome collared pepper shirt modeled by your uncle Bob or Larry.
Pepper shirts are excellent Mexican resort conversation starters at the nightly theme night cocktail fiestas. They look particularly smart with an analog wristwatch, crisp khakis, and manly black Velcro-strap sandals.
Pepper shirts look best when straining to bursting, and are therefore too hot to wear mid-day by the pool or ocean. So unless your pepper shirt is sufficiently baggy under your armpits (never a strong look for male fashionistas), the 100% rayon or poly-cotton blend will sweat and chafe you like a bad marriage. Worst of all, pepper shirts confuse Mexican birds and enrage Pacific marine life.
What resort fashions do you love most? Let me know in the comments below, and watch this space for updates from the Mexican runway.
— Ken Hegan
Read more of Ken’s MSN travel stories here
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Beach models photo: (C) Rex Features  all rights reserved”