By Ken Hegan for MSN Travel
The sun’s gleaming, waves are pounding the shores like a bounty hunter banging on your motel door, and the world’s sexiest fashionistas have gathered on these poolside catwalks to showcase their hip-hugging, body-rocking, haute couture luxury resort fashions.
Our first model today is this strutting Texan day drinker (below). He’s sporting stars & stripes trunks that are simply bursting with patriotic pride.
Bold, confident, and breezy, these shorts hide body flaws behind a jaunty juggernaut of jingoism. These Betsy Ross flag trunks will loudly announce your presence before you do, much like the Army bugles that used to rally U.S. soldiers into battle.
These Old Glory shorts are also frequently paired with a sleeveless grey Disney tank top. Seen together, this all-American ensemble practically shouts “U S A, U S A!” at the resort’s many bemused bartenders.
It takes a kind and elegant man to wear these shorts in public each day for a week straight. But if you are not kind and elegant, everyone at the resort will hate your guts. I’ll let you decide if the model fits that description.
Next on the runway is a roomy white cotton shirt that warns his coterie of catwalk admirers that this model is “Toadily wasted.”
The slouchy, relaxed fit has a carefree vintage feel, and features three anthropomorphic toads that appear to be on a tequila bender. One of the toads is even wearing a man’s underwear on his head. Toads don’t normally do that!
This shirt offers you full diplomatic immunity in this part of the tropics. When you wear this shirt at a luxury resort south of the U.S. border, you can say and do anything and there’s not a damn thing the Mexican police can do to stop you.
WARNING: the “Toadily wasted” shirt is high-end fashion so you can only wear it at 4- or 5-star resorts. If you try to model it at 2-star all-inclusive motels in Cancun or Puerto Vallarta, you’ll confuse & enrage rival models who prefer to wear white T-shirts depicting drunk & staggering frogs saying, “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.”
Next on the runway is this surprising swimwear that makes you think you have X-ray vision. But don’t you be fooled…this is a novelty shirt with an optical illusion in which a cartoon bikini body has been airbrushed onto a poly-cotton Fruit of the Loom T-shirt.
The result: you’ll mistakenly think you’re seeing a real woman’s body but it’s actually an optical illusion!!
You can trick judges into awarding you first prize at bikini contests! This shirt will also confuse snipers and single, attractive, far-sighted gentlemen.
Never wear this shirt if (like this model) your body is equal to — or even more attractive than — the cartoon body on your shirt.
Our next model floating down the runway is this suave & affable chap sporting a playfully swooping Mexi-mullet, two shiny faux-diamond studs on his left ear, and a fading arm tattoo set inside a fetchingly rich & nougatty tan.
Mullets are the ultimate hybrid of fashion and function. As the great Joe Dirt said, mullets are “Business in the front, and party in the back.” The perfect lure for bar babes, mullets offer excellent protection from the punishing tropical sun.
Overheating is a major mullet risk. Today the temperature is 38°C on the catwalks, 40°C in the water by the swim-up bar, and 44°C beneath those lush, cascading locks. Fortunately he’s chugging coolant from his mobile mega-mug, otherwise this model would surely explode.
What tropical resort fashions do you enjoy? Let me know in the comments below and watch this blog for further updates from the Mexican runway.
— Ken Hegan
Read more of Ken’s MSN travel stories here
Read Ken’s first fashion report from Mexico here
Follow Ken on Twitter: @KenHegan
Photo of bikini model by OJO Images / Rex Features