By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
So I’m traveling around the planet to learn how to become the World’s Greatest Lover. This week, I’m at a sex resort in tropical Huatulco, Mexico.
Nestled on one of nine Bahias (bays) de Huatulco, Secrets Huatulco gets 320 days of sunshine a year or about 220 times more than Vancouver. It’s currently gorgeous, late-January, and a sunny 38 degrees Celsius. And there isn’t a single bird in the lovely, dodger-blue sky because all of the local birds are off bumping tail feathers, if you know what I mean.
Let’s face it: all-inclusive Mexican resorts are built for savage, animalistic humping.
First off, it’s adults-only so children will never interrupt your sex play unless you count some child you left behind on a previous Mexican adventure who hops the security fence to try and embarrass you.
Secondly, this hotel looks exactly like it’s the Bond villain’s hideout in the 007 film Quantum of Solace. Secrets Huatulco is sharply-angled, mercilessly white, and looks so decadent and dangerous, after dinner each night you just might have to beat up a dozen henchmen and Parkour your way down from the Sky Bar to the patio of your Junior Suite, where you’ll rip off your secret agent turtleneck, grab your lover, and back her up against the bedroom’s spotless floor-to-ceiling mirror.
The only reason I’m here is because my superfine girlfriend (SG) won us a one-week all-inclusive vacation. So instead of worrying about how much cashish this unparalleled luxury costs, I can relax and focus on job No. 1, which is being my SG’s official Tanning Butler.
In the five days I’ve been here, I’ve learned a ton of sex tips and tricks. So here now is:
HOW TO ENJOY WICKED SEX AT A TROPICAL RESORT
9) IMPORT A DATE
Do NOT come here if you’re travelling solo or with a platonic buddy…because you’ll want to slit your wrists and take a long, sad bath. Adult-only resorts are like the Ark; the relentless ‘couple storm’ is choppy and unforgiving, so everyone comes in pairs. My SG says it best: “This resort is definitely BYOP.”
8) BRING LUBE
Sunscreen, beer, Tabasco sauce, or the hotel’s menthol-flavoured body lotion make horrendous substitutes for proper sex lube.
Take a long, romantic walk on the beach, and find a cave to do the nasty. Whether they are manmade or real, there are always caves at Mexican resorts.
6) BELLY UP TO THE SWIM-UP BAR
Drink yourself sexier. Everyone else here does. Note: this only works for women. Men, here’s a tip: drink half as much as your ladies – and twice as much water — and you might still be able to get it up.
5) SIX O’CLOCK ROCK
Fucking Hour is 6 p.m. each day. Trust me, 6 o’clock is the sexual sweet spot at every adults-only resort. Here’s why: beach bars close at 5, restaurants don’t open till 7, the resort never plans any events between 6 and 7 p.m., and by 5.45 p.m., every guest is feeling tanned, warm, and buzzed from the sun, waves, and day-drinkin’. The only thing you’ll feel like doing at 6 o’clock is shuffling to your room, showering the sand and sunscreen off your legs, spreading soothing cream on your woman’s pink parts, and expertly turning that into a sensual massage.
4) FLY THE HALL FLAG
When you’re in your room and feeling sexy, be extra sure that you hang the NO MOLESTAR sign (English: ‘Do Not Disturb’) on your doorknob. If you don’t, the staff can legally enter the room, molest you, and get away with it in a Mexican court of law.
3) SET THE TONE
Stock your iPhone with make-out playlists and bring a small speaker dock to amplify the atmosphere. Yes, Mexico is renowned for its romantic music but if you rely on the hotel TV for your sexy playlist, you’ll be sorry. At this hotel, the only music channel is some arty weirdness that features a half-naked couple in a pool doing slow motion somersaults to boner-killing whale music.
2) USE THE GLASS
If your resort is anything like Secrets Huatulco, you share a thin patio with your neighbours on either side. The patio wall (which keeps you from falling to the grass below) is made of reflective safety glass. If you stand at the perfect spot in your room, you can see your neighbour’s bed reflected in this glass. So you can get off while watching them, and you can get off while they watch you. It’s like baby steps for swingers
1) LAUGHTER IS THE BEST VIAGRA
Not feeling sexy? Close your eyes and listen to the other guests. At adults-only Mexican resorts, all the leathery North American baby boomers are constantly laughing, but not in a tense or chilly Presbyterian way. Nope, the laughter at tropical resorts is either a dirty cackle (that’d be the women) or a devilish guffaw from the gents. So stake out a spot by the pool, surround yourself with filthy laughs all afternoon, and you simply can’t help but spring a boner.