By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
So I’m training myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover for three reasons:
1) I like to aim high in life
2) The job probably pays really, really well
3) The position’s currently vacant: George Clooney is nearly hitched, Katy Perry has John Mayer under wraps, and no woman will sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio now that he’s been exposed as a filthy low-down slave owner.
Each week, I get closer to my dream job by learning a few more tips & tricks. Last month, I learned how to maximize my fun at a Mexican sex resort by not using sunscreen or Tabasco for lube.
This week, I’m learning ‘Prostate Aerobics’ from the app of the same name. You can download it to your iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch here.
Dr. Herb Ross, who founded the Aspen Sleep Institute, created Prostate Aerobics exclusively for men. He says his app “Reverses ED [erectile dysfunction] and Improves Sexual Performance.” The cost? Just $2.99 for the whole app; compare that to Viagra, which costs 20 bucks a pill.
In his app’s scary 5-minute PSA, Dr. Ross warns aging men that they’ll eventually have a tough time getting hard, and will suffer from PD (“penis dribble”) which is the “first sign of the weakening of the pelvic floor muscles.” Then you’ll suffer premature ejaculation, ED, and, worst of all, according to the video, you will suffer the angry glares of your cartoon wife who crosses her arms on her shrewish chest.
Not a pretty picture, my friend. But don’t dismay, because Prostate Aerobics is apparently a wonder app that will transform you into a Raging Sexual Dynamo in just five minutes a day … and without drugs, creams, potions, sex mist, or Chinese boner pills.
By the way, this app is approved by the NAFC, which is the National Association for Continence and whose members suffer from bladder leakage (man, I’d sure hate to clean up after their meetings).
You’ll like the app’s cartoon mascot; he’s a giant, muscle-bound, tiny-wasted freak named MAN-UP.
Despite looking suspiciously like a decades-long steroid abuser, MAN-up also seems like a cheery, helpful gym guru who encourages you to pump up your cock muscles. The result: he says you can expect “a huge improvement in your sex life” (which sounds legit) and promises “unlimited benefits” (which sounds approximately 99% bullshitty).
According to the cartoon video, Prostate Aerobics is “like having your very own trainer, coach, physiotherapist to remind you when to do your exercises, how to do them, how many times a day, and how long to do them.” If you do these cock exercises, they guarantee you will see “tremendous improvement” within 4 to 6 weeks.
Naturally, this is wayyy too long a time frame for me (god damn it, Valentine’s Day is less than 24 hours away!) but I bought the app anyway to see what the fuss is about.
Here’s how the app works:
When you open the app, it asks you to pick one of nine levels of, um, penis pushups. I was a B student at university, so I picked level 7 and the app immediately launched into my workout
A robotic voice orders you to contract your pelvic floor muscles, or in other words, scrunch the muscles around your love bone. It gives instructions on where to find these muscles, too … if you don’t know, try this. Stop peeing midstream and imagine you’re controlling your bowel. “These are the two muscles you are working with,” says Man-Up. Basically it’s Kegel exercises for dudes.
You have to contract these muscles then hold the contraction for 15 seconds. Then the robot orders you to “release” for six seconds. Then you repeat this cycle four times. It’s pretty simple, if you’re not easily distracted by, say, Pinterest, or you’re in a high-speed police chase, or if you’re squished next to a nosy person on the bus.
The app recommends you do two workouts a day for a week at each of the nine levels. If you’re the kind of person who likes being browbeaten, and you’d pay a personal trainer to harass you with phone calls and badger you into working out, then you can instruct the app to shoot you ‘reminders’ to drop everything and flex your tool.
The app gives you positive reinforcement, too. It invites you to “visualize stronger erections and more powerful orgasms,” “visualize a powerful erection with staying power MAN UP!”, “visualize making love with your soul mate. MAN UP!” and reminds you “it’s OK to feel turned on. MAN UP!”
By the way, ‘MAN UP!’ is a pretty good self-affirmation for guys who’ve wandered off their penile path. Just remember to stop shouting MAN UP! when you’re balls deep inside your lady friend. Then again … whatever works for you, man. As the app reminds you, it’s your erection and “you are in charge. MAN UP!”
Overall, I suspect this app would be highly useful if I did more than 15 seconds of the exercises. In fact, I predict this app will be even better at giving me a powerful erection than when I use Shazam to snag a really catchy song.
In the brief time I’ve had this app, I’ve learned three things from Prostate Aerobics:
1) You protect your vehicles and cherished possessions, don’t you? So take a few minutes each day to take proper care of your gonads.
2) If you like to do prostate aerobics on public transit, make sure you wear headphones. If you don’t, the robot’s disturbing voice will startle babies and the blind.
3) If you were at a Mexican sex resort recently and your guts are still a foul, growling mess, DO NOT attempt these exercises when you’re on a crowded bus or subway. Wait until you’re home alone. Trust me…nobody wants to experience your hurricane-level fart blast.
The Prostate Aerobics app can be downloaded here.
Read more of Ken’s sex columns here