By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

So I’m training myself to become the World’s Greatest Lover by following advice from sex gurus, Dutch scientists and other perverts.

This week, two separate sex studies encouraged me to become a better asshole.

The first study found that men should stop doing ‘girly’ household tasks if they want to get more action.

The study, entitled “Egalitarianism, Housework, and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” was published in this month’s American Sociological Review. Researchers found that “Married men who spend more time doing traditionally female household tasks—including cooking, cleaning, and shopping—report having less sex than husbands who don’t do as much.”The lead researcher of this study is some dude named Sabino Kornrich [which sounds like his porn name] at the Center for Advanced Studies at the Juan March Institute in Madrid. Naturally, I immediately Googled for pictures of Kornrich to see if he looks like the kind of dickwad who’d invent a fake study as an excuse to avoid cooking paella for his lady. I wasn’t disappointed.“Our findings suggest the importance of socialized gender roles for sexual frequency in heterosexual marriage,” said Kornrich. “Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.”

Now, I love sex, so this study taught me to be an asshole so I can greedily collect even more of it. That’s why, in clear view of my live-in superfine girlfriend, I will ‘fix’ my car’s engine three times a week, even though the car is new, under warranty, and I’m mechanically lethal, but maybe she’ll conveniently forget all that when I wear coveralls, pop the hood, stick my manly ass in the air, and smear sexy, lubricating grease all over my fingers, face, and tongue.

Meanwhile, this second sex study has inspired me to become an even bigger asshole.

Dutch researchers wanted to identify why women will willingly (and even enthusiastically) have sex with you/me when they’re completely repulsed by us. To find out, the researchers decided to mess with the minds of 90 female subjects.

They divided them into three groups:

The first group watched “female friendly erotica” (porn), the second group watched extreme sports (rafting/sky diving/mountain climbing) to get them non-sexually excited, while the third group watched a video of a train which was supposed to be neutral, although, if you ask me, trains are pretty damn exciting and phallic.

Then all three groups were assigned 16 disgusting tasks. And given how nutty the Dutch are, you can imagine how foul those missions really were. In fact, don’t bother…here are the most wretched things that these women had to do:

1)    Remove used toilet paper from a jar and then put it back in the jar

2)    Hold a used bandage for five seconds

3)    Stick your finger in a bowl of used condoms

4)    Hug a shirt that the researchers said was used by a pedophile during rape (wait, WTF?!)

5)    Insert a needle in the heart of a voodoo doll of a person you hate

6)    Read a story and say aloud “It was so horny to have him (the dog) inside me”

Jesus! Gotta love the Dutch.

Once the women finished vomiting on each other, the researchers discovered interesting patterns. Turns out the women in the aroused group were less disgusted by the repellent tasks than the other groups. The aroused women also completed more of these sick, wrong, and abominable tasks.

Researchers concluded that sexual arousal decreases feelings of disgust and directly affects what women are willing to do/debase themselves.

Overall, I learned four ways to become a better lover:

1)    I used to try and get laid by being 20% less disgusting than most other guys. Didn’t work at all. Now I realize I just need to write “female friendly erotica” screenplays [lady porn has scripts, right?] so I can get invited to the wrap parties/orgies.

2)    If I want my superfine girlfriend to drink milk with a dead bug in it, I just need to get her aroused first by raking leaves and paying the cable bill.

3)    Women are so wonderfully forgiving, I almost feel bad about making my lady kiss the horrible, pus-oozing, loonie-sized cold sore on my upper lip that’s finally flaking off into my scrambled eggs after weeks of absolute wretchedness.

4)    If you keep your wife/girlfriend excited by avoiding dishes and vacuuming, maybe she’ll call up a girlfriend and they’ll let you film a sequel to ‘2 Girls 1 Cup’.

Read more of Ken’s sex columns here