By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
This week: I’m learning how to have a Male Multiple Orgasm. That’s the title of this sex tips guidebook written by a white-bearded Californian named Somraj Pokras whose name sounds as filthy as his career. A tantric sex coach, Mr. Poke Her Ass teaches “hands on” tantric sex workshops to couples so they can enjoy “ecstatic lovemaking for hours and hours.”
“DON’T BE A 2-MINUTE LOVER!” shouts his book jacket, “MAKE LOVE TO HER FOR HOURS!” and “have as many orgasms as you want for as long as you choose.”
“It’s true — 75% of men ejaculate during the first two minutes of intercourse. Wouldn’t you rather be the kind of man who knows with total confidence that he can satisfy any woman beyond her wildest dreams?”
The only sane answer to that question is ‘Yes, sir!’, especially since so many sexy studs enjoy tantric sex, like Diddy, Josh Hartnett and Chelsea Clinton’s ski bum husband.
So I flip to the book’s preface where Pokras admits he was a premature ejaculator who failed to give his first wife an orgasm. After she divorced him, Pokras trained himself to become a tantric sex master [haha, I bet she wants him back now!].
On page 1, Pokras says his book’s mission is to make me an ‘Orgasm Master’ just like him. A man who can choose when he wants to ejaculate. A man who has “so many dry orgasms that feel so incredible, [I] may decide to have fewer wet ones.”
To do it, I must master his “Male Multiple Orgasm formula” of RAMPER:
Ride the wave
Which requires more patience than my old sex technique of REEFER:
Rent a romantic comedy
Ease/tear her clothes off
Enter her vagina
Flail on her like a spastic
Ejaculate like a rocket
Run to play a video game
To help you run RAMPER on your lover, Pokras gives you solo relaxation exercises to practice for 30 to 60 minutes each day. This will build “the foundation you’ll need to become an Orgasm Master,” a title you can then print on your resume and business cards.
First exercise: lie back in the ‘corpse posture’. Close your eyes and tense all your body parts, bit by bit, until you’re relaxed and floating all over. Next, flex and clench your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles [which you can also do with this handy Prostate Aerobics app]. This will take weeks to master.
Then you do an exercise called Devamani Elevations [devamani means ‘divine jewels’ which Pokras calls his testicles]. Hey, did you know that your testicles rise before you can ejaculate? True fact. So if you learn how to raise and lower your balls on command, Pokras says you can control your ejaculation and “prevent or delay what used to be inevitable.”
Now it’s time for the A in RAMPER, which is awareness of your body. This means stroking and self-pleasuring your naked body and vajra (penis), without coming while you “visualize animals and make the kind of sounds they make.” Gorillas, hippos, wolves, whatever. Which’ll get loud. So if you live within thin walls or have close neighbours, Pokras actually recommends you hike into the wilderness to strip your clothes off and grunt in peace.
Next, for the M in RAMPER, you’ll measure your pleasure on a 10-point arousal level scale. Your goal is to hit 9.9 in arousal “without slipping over the edge” into ejaculation. Stroke yourself to you feel like 4, then stop! Relax and feel your pleasure drop to 2. Then stroke yourself up to 6, then stop! Relax again till you’re back to 2, then stroke yourself up to 8, then stop! Relax till you drop to 2, then stroke yourself up to 9 and even 9.9 without ejaculating.
That’s the end of your solo exercises. Now it’s time to practice the P in RAMPER with your fucking lady friend. Pokras says you and your partner must have a “YES-BE” attitude which means:
Y – Yes, allow and accept instead of resisting
E – Experience now. Watch yourself to raise your consciousness.
S – Love your Self, accepting that your divine nature is good
B – Be in your Body, not your mind
E – Enjoy pleasure, joy, and sexual energy
Then Pokras assigns another 69 pages of sexual homework. This includes ‘Partner Whole Body Sensory Focus’ where you lie down and your lover gives you a slow ‘taking touch’, i.e. her hand feels as much as you do with the body part she’s caressing. Do this every time you make love.
Then Pokras instructs you to take turns with more exercises like the Stop-Start Hand Job and the Subtle Adjustments Hand Job and the Breath Peaking Hand Job and —
— GOOD GOD, MAN, this multi-orgasmic stuff is a fuck ton of work! Who has time to have sex for hours and hours, even if the result is multiple male explosions? I’ll tell you who has time: Old hippies like Somraj Pokras, who retired too young and are trying to prove something to all their ex-wives.
Stop making me feel inadequate, Somraj Pokras! I was feeling all cocky with my separate bedrooms trick until you and your book came along to sabotage my confidence.
Oh sure, maybe I’m being too hard on the man. Perhaps, I’m only lashing out at him because my jewels are too tight and high, mannnn. Maybe if I actually applied myself and learned his mystic tricks, I’d be more appreciative of this great giver who’s only devoted HIS ENTIRE LIFE to sharing the simple gifts of unlimited sexual stamina, absolute pleasure, and all the dry orgasms I could ever want.
Or then again, maybe guys like me will never evolve to Pokras’s level of being because my cynical generation is impatient as hell and completely suspicious of relaxation.
Let’s face it: I am one lazy motherfucker. But then again, so is Pokras. His book’s supposed to teach male orgasms, yet he didn’t publish any pictures of naked, bouncing ladies! How am I supposed to reach a 9.9 arousal level if he won’t give me a little eye candy?
Read more of Ken’s sex columns here