By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

So I’m learning how to become the World’s Greatest Lover by following tips gathered from sex gurus, adult-only sex resorts and pervy scientists.

This week: I’m learning cool sex tips from ‘your boyfriend’, Canadian talk show host George Stroumboulopoulos. At least I think it’s George. Check out this picture and judge for yourself:

Strombo

That’s Strombo right? And he looks good, too! Dude’s been pumping iron and waxing his torso.

George is apparently one of a handful of nude models in a non-fiction book called THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! It’s written by ‘Alex Williams’ which sounds like a ridiculously fake name so I figure it’s actually George himself.

THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! is a handsomely-photographed, 128-page guidebook that, according to the jacket, is designed to help you “spice things up with over 75 hot positions!” You’ll learn to “increase the pleasure of classic positions,” “experience high-flying sensations with acrobatic positions,” “experiment with new sexual horizons,” “discover new positions for out-of-this-world orgasms,” and “have illicit fun outside the bedrooms.” All of this while Strombo teaches you how to bang like a stallion.

For example, in the photo below, George is teaching you how to do The Chair.

Chair

To do this position, first you take off your black jeans, black shirt, and skull ring. Then you find a willing, naked female (no problem for Strombo). Then you sit down on a firm chair and she straddles your penis which, of course, will be ferociously erect. Then “the man can sit back and enjoy himself.”

It’s basically the perfect celebrity sex position: 100% reward with very little effort.

In the rest of the book, Strombo (at least, I think it’s Strombo) shows us 33 more of his favourite sex positions. They mostly look awesome because, let’s face it, all sex positions are.

Of those 33, here are:

My 10 Favourite Strombo-Approved Sex Positions

LOVE’S TAILOR

Loves tailor

In this position, George “inserts his penis into his partner’s vagina, but does not plunge its full length.” Instead he goes 2 inches deep and delivers “short, sharp thrusts.” Pauses for effect. Then rams it to the hilt.

“Hear that gasp,” writes Alex/George, adding “The technique is then repeated until it can be repeated no more.” Attago, Jorge!

THE TOOTHPICK

Toothpick

This move represents the “chaos theory of making love.” In this version of the Missionary, the man “inserts his penis and plunges in and out any way he can: in and out, up and down, and sideways.” Down side: this herky-jerky approach may confuse her into thinking you’re high, sloppy drunk, or trying to distract her while you text somebody else.

AN ARABIAN TEMPLE

An Arabian Temple

Using colored light bulbs and essential oils, George creates “a warm, erotic haven for lovemaking that recalls an ancient Arabian tent or brothel.” This move is from George’s Eastern period circa 2006-2007.

 

THE L PLATE

L Plate

The woman lies on her back, knees raised. The man lies on his side, perpendicular to (and underneath) her. Then he enters her and rubs his fingers on her clitoris. The benefit of this position is that each person can “look at each other from afar, take in their partner’s whole body and see the effect their lovemaking is having.” George does this move when he wants to play a woman like he’s a DJ scratching a record.

THE CROSS

Cross

Woman lies on her back with her legs spread. The man penetrates her as he lies face down on a 90-degree angle to her.

Benefit: “The angle of entry is very unusual which gives a different sensation. The woman can also reach around and scratch the man, lightly hit his buttocks or massage his anus.”

Downside: George has “nothing to look at” and “nothing really to do with his hands.”

IN THE KITCHEN

In the Kitchen

George uses human hair to dust his table.

THE SWEET SPOT

Sweet Spot

This move is impossible without snapping my penis off. First the man lies back on the bed, then the woman lies back on top of him but facing the other way. So her feet are up by his head, and his feet are up by her head. Then he enters her.

Hopefully you’ll have better luck than me but clearly Strombo has mastered it like a champ. If you do pull off this move, the book says “the physical sensation is perfect” plus the woman’s genital area is “completely exposed and this makes it easy for the man to play with and stimulate her clitoris.”

 

THE WHEELBARROW

Wheelbarrow

In this pose, George holds his woman’s legs as he enters her from behind while she’s face down with her hands on the carpet. This position is great for hitting her (ahem) G spot. George particularly likes this maneuver because he can have sex with a woman while getting her to tidy up around his yellow house.

THE BACKWARD WHEELBARROW

Backward Wheelbarrow

Same as the Wheelbarrow except now she’s flipped over so her thighs are pointed at the ceiling and she’s arched backwards to look at the wall. This tricky move requires a big strong man, which George most assuredly is. He saves this move for when the relationship is getting serious and wants her opinion on how to decorate his walls.

THE RAISED WHEELBARROW

Raised Wheelbarrow

This is another advanced move from George’s ‘Acrobatic Moves’ section. As George enters her from behind, the woman rests her forearms on a chest-high piece of furniture. WARNING: the furniture must be stable. It’s best for her to rest her arms on a fireplace mantle or built-in bookshelf, rather than a freestanding dresser or a child’s head.

Great moves, huh? That’s why George is the champ.

All in all, THE BEST SEX POSITIONS EVER! is useful, inventive, clear to follow, and features warmly-shot photos of reasonably attractive people doing highly pleasurable things.

It’ll make a wonderful coffee table book or the perfect gift for your friend or neighbour who has everything but you. Thanks, Strombo!

1) To order your copy, click here

2) Ken Hegan has met, worked with, and fist-bumped Strombo

3) Read more of Ken’s World’s Greatest Lover columns here