By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine


To become the World’s Greatest Lover, I’m gathering sex tips from sexy people and places like Strombo, adult-only sex resorts, and pervy foreign scientists.

This week: I’m looking at cock size.

Turns out that women think tall men with big penises are more attractive than hobbits with small wieners.

That’s according to a shocking study published in this week’s issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Check your mailboxes, subscribers! Or you can see the results on their website which is (heehee!).

“We found that flaccid penis size had a significant influence on male attractiveness,” concludes the study. “Males with a larger penis were rated relatively more attractive.”

Now, I welcome this news because I’m 6’2” and have enormous hands and feet. The study (which didn’t come with pictures, alas) was led by Brian Mautz, an ‘evolutionary biologist’ who’s now a post-doctoral fellow at the University of Ottawa. His research team studied how 105 heterosexual Australian women (average age: 26) rated male attractiveness, and they did it in a fun way.

Without telling the women why, Mautz asked the women to ogle 53 life-size images of naked, computer-generated men (sort of like Japanese Hentai porn but without the mini-skirts, giggling, or gasping).

The women checked out the CGI silhouettes head on. Then the bodies were rotated (the men’s bodies, I mean) so the women could objectify the men in profile. The men had varying heights, body shapes, and different-sized flaccid penises…but the men’s facial attractiveness and hair were exactly the same in each image.

The women then graded each cartoon fella from 1 to 7 on overall sexual attractiveness. A No. 1 ranking was least attractive, while 7 was most attractive. But (and this is where Mautz got really clever) the women weren’t asked to rank penis size or other body parts. They were simply told to rate the fellas on overall do-ability.

So basically Mautz asked the women to play ‘Marry Fuck Kill’ without the wedding or stabby bits, and without specifically asking the women to focus on dong size. He just snuck that one in there, so to speak.

The result?

The women admitted they were most attracted to tall men with big penises. They were specifically turned on by men who were tall, long, and V-shaped. Plus they spent more time gazing at pictures of the men with large penises.

“Penis size had a stronger effect on attractiveness in taller men than in shorter men,” said the study.

Whew! At last, after years of discrimination and persecution, I can finally strut around naked with my head held high, confident in knowing that I’m attractive to 105 Aussie women who speak for billions of ladies everywhere.

Granted, Mautz was quick to add that his study didn’t ask women if they like men with big manly muscles, a megawatt smile, a bulging wallet, or fantastic hair.

But Mautz says his results suggest that women do consider penis size when they’re making a sexual selection, and that penis size is subject to evolutionary pressure.

“It shows that females can exert a choice and influence genital evolution, which is a relatively understudied area,” said Mautz. He told National Geographic “it’s not totally clear why women prefer bigger penises, but studies have shown that women prefer larger sizes because they can increase sexual satisfaction.”

This is no doubt terrifying news for many men to hear. Let’s face it: judging by the angry comments following this TIME article on the matter (so much rage, so much sperm buildup), discussing cock size is controversial … for angry short men who just got their l’il penises whacked by the Aussie women.

As for me and my mighty, V-shaped torso, here’s what I learned from Mautz’s research:

– Thank God that women prefer tall men. If women keep choosing tall, long, and terrific, we won’t read angry TIME comments from small-weenie Yodas for much longer. They’ll die out quick enough.

– Gay guys like what women like. This is according to my own official study, where I found that 1 out of 1 gay men on my Facebook timeline say, “Gay guys like tall men with big penises, too!” Which is good info to keep in my back pocket, in case all the women die off in a horrible dust storm/ice age, and I must turn to men to keep me warm.

– This study contradicts the saying ‘Size doesn’t matter’, which is commonly spread by half-cocked half-pints and their long-suffering wives.

– It’s refreshing to see men being objectified for a change (Confession: I just said that so female readers would find me taller, longer, and more V-shaped)

– As long as I keep showering every now and then (and I make dead sure that my Superfine Girlfriend doesn’t see me vacuum or do the dishes), I’M GOING TO BE OKAY.

– If you have a small penis and believe in reincarnation, pray that you come back as a barnacle (which has the longest penis relative to body size in the animal kingdom.)

Read more of Ken’s sex columns here