By Ken Hegan for MSN

I think I’ve finally found the World’s Worst Hotel. But instead of being ashamed by its lowly status, it seems proud of its awfulness.

Here’s one of their ads:

Cigarettes

Hans Brinker Budget Hotel in central Amsterdam has all the charm, stains, and metal bunk beds of an emergency hurricane shelter.

Naked man hallway

Amenities? Yeah, good luck with that.

“Here you will find no parking, no sauna, no bellboys, no air conditioning, no minibars, no room service,” says their website. And when you check into this Soviet-era, 127-room monstrosity, don’t expect valet parking, a concierge, hot tub, satellite TV, bridal suite, or penthouse suite. If you find a treat on your pillow, THAT MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE CHOCOLATE.

Bunk beds 2

After leaving your wretchedly depressing room — the hotel boasts of “doors that lock” — you can take the elevator “which almost never breaks down” [Note: I think their ‘elevator’ is just stairs] to the “basement bar with limited light” and sit on a beer-stained (and possibly vomit-and-pee-stained) chair.

Sorry luggageFor entertainment, simply read the graffiti which features “amusing witticisms and speculations about former guests’ sexual preference scrawled on most surfaces.”

The hotel, which has been running for 40 years, also offers “some plumbing” and “an intermittently open cafe that features a range of dishes based on runny eggs.”

Their website also includes this lengthy disclaimer: “Those wishing to stay do so at their own risk and will not hold the hotel liable for food poisoning, mental breakdowns, terminal illness, lost limbs, radiation poisoning, certain diseases associated with the 18th century, plague, etc.”

There is, however, free Internet in the bar. So if things get tragic, you can cry for help by email or Facebook.

By now you’re no doubt asking, “How much can I pay to stay in this historic beauty?”

$34.34 get you a shared 8-bed dorm room, and it’s $48.07 for an oh-so-cozy “3 Bed Private Ensuite”.

They do offer group rates for 25 people minimum and frequently cater to “students, scholars, sports teams etcetera.” WARNING: they don’t accept bachelor parties so don’t even try.

Garbage

While luxury hotels invite you to “Come and be spoilt”, the Hans Brinker cheerfully entices you with ad slogans like, “Now with beds in every room,” “Now more rooms without a window,” and “Improve your immune system, come stay at Hans Brinker”.

Sorry disturbing
Backpackers, at least, appreciate the hotel’s self-deprecating tactic.

“They love our humour and sarcasm and they have diminished their expectations to less than nothing,” manager Tijmen Receveur told the Metro paper in London.

Sorry ignoring
What do you think…would you ever brave a night in the Hans Brinker Budget Hotel?

— Ken Hegan

Hans Brinker Budget Hotel

Kerkstraat 136-138,

1017 GR Amsterdam

The Netherlands

+31 20 6220687

sybil@hans-brinker.com

VIDEO: watch this fun Hans Brinker Budget Hotel Eco-Tour

Read more of Ken’s travel stories here

Twitter: @KenHegan 

Photos courtesy Hans Brinker Budget Hotel

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