By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

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So I’ve vowed to become the World’s Greatest Lover by learning slippery sex tricks from sensual gurus, horny scientists, and other random perverts.

I’m also killing off my cocksmen rivals with exotic and quick-acting poisons, pushing them down bottomless wells, inviting them to a marshmallow roast and handing them a stick cut from hemlock, and throwing radios into their bathtubs during the climax of Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit.

Now to the learning. This week: I discover that your happiness is related to how happy you think other people are.

Turns out if you think your friends are having less sex than you in their crappy duplexes, you’ll be wayyyy more happy about the small amount of action you’re getting in your shitty apartment.

That’s according to a shocking study published in this week’s Social Indicators Research, which I’m certain you all subscribe to. A sociologist at the University of Colorado, Tim Wadsworth (heeheehee), is a bearded ginger who typically studies ‘Crime and Deviance’ and looks like it, too.

In his latest study, Wadsworth convinced over 15,000 people to reveal their shady sexual secrets. After crunching their data, Wadsworth discovered that people who claimed to have regular sex were more likely to say they were happier than people who’d gone a year or more with no action whatsoever.

In other words, duh.

Wadsworth asked all his subjects to rather delicately describe their sexual happiness as “very happy, pretty happy or not too happy” (or “Hell yeah!” “Meh,” or “This is awful, kill me now”).

The result? People who claimed to have sex 2–3 times a month (which, by the way, is a lousy frequency unless you’re parents of a toddler then yay) were 33% more likely to report higher levels of happiness.

People who had sex once a week were 44% more likely to report higher levels of happiness than the pathetic sods who were mired in a yearlong sex drought. And people who said they had sex 2–3 times per week (i.e. deluded liars and sex columnists like me) were 55% more likely to report higher levels of happiness.

Overall, the more sex you have, the happier you’ll be. And why not? Scientists say sex is good for your:

– blood pressure
– stress reduction
– immunity against sickness and disease
– improving work performance, and
– giving you a boost of chemicals that generate feelings of trust, attachment and calm.

All this is pretty obvious. But now here’s the big, fun twist:

Wadsworth discovered that you’ll be happier about your sex life if you think you’re getting more tail than your old weird married friends watching Game of Thrones next door.

Wadsworth discovered that if you have sex three times a month but believe your bridge game buddies are boning once a week, your probability of reporting a higher level of happiness drops 14%. If you think Martha and Agnes are having more sex than you, their imagined joy drags down your actual joy.

“There’s an overall increase in sense of well-being that comes with engaging in sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it,” Wadsworth said, no doubt while having amazing, life-altering sex, I bet. “Having more sex makes us happy, but thinking that we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier.”

So how can I exploit these findings to become the World’s Greatest Lover?

Well, if a happy lover makes a good lover, and the happiest lover makes the best lover, then here is my cunning plan:

From now on, I’m only going to hang out with people WHO DON’T GET ANY SEX AT ALL. I will only befriend hermits, asexuals, virgins, Beliebers, celibates, monks, the morbidly obese, the hideously deformed, bridge trolls, eggheads, nuns, a few priests, drummers, children, male improv comics, security guards, people who tweet a lot, sweaty armpit dudes who frequently burst into tears, cheap guys with bad breath, nice guys, guys who want to be friends with girls first, comic book collectors, gamers, Dungeons and Dragons champs, Larpers, farmhands, and terminally ill hospital patients.

And I will totally avoid people who gets tons of sex. I’m talking about bad boys, naughty little sorority whores, seniors, socialites, rappers, sex columnists, D-list celebs, theatre actors, porn stars, wily old carnies, sociologists claiming to be doing a sex study for the betterment of humankind, gymnasts, young female bonobo monkeys who like to tickle, sad clowns who really know how to work it, hypnotists, screamers, emotionally damaged people, anybody with pierced genitalia, French Canadians, pet breeders, Olympic athletes, the guy who looks like that famous guy from that TV show, Elvis impersonators, Neil Diamond impersonators, people with purple beds, firefighters, furries, midgets, Jeff Goldblum, and your mom.

To buy your own copy of Wadsworth’s study to masturbate to, click here

Read all of Ken’s World’s Greatest Lover columns