By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine
This week I learned more crucial tips for how to become the World’s Greatest (Male) Lover.First off, I’d better hurry up before all the men die off from this heat. A new study has found that the rising temperature of fresh water habitats is making turtles turn female.
That’s right: global warming is resulting in all-female offspring among painted turtles RIGHT HERE IN NORTH AMERICA. Plus when women eventually figure out how to fertilize an egg with another egg, men will immediately become pointless.
Pair that with studies that say men are already dying off at a shockingly fast rate (e.g. men are 35% more likely to die from cancer), and soon we have a world where there are little or no men at all.
Which I’m surprised to admit is a big problem for me. Look, before I can truly say I’m the World’s Greatest Lover, I need stiff competition from other living dudes. No way am I interested in becoming the World’s Only (Busiest, and Totally Exhausted) Lover Left Alive.
Yes, I want to brag about being the World’s Greatest Lover, no question about that. But I want to earn the title legitimately. It’d be like if the Maple Leafs were declared Stanley Cup Champions but only because every player on all 29 of the other NHL teams died from syphilis overnight. By default, I could genuinely say I was the World’s Greatest Lover, but my title would always have an asterisk.
That’s why I’m in a rush to become the WGL this week. There just isn’t time for me to take a six-month sex class or even a weekend ‘Be a better lover’ workshop. Instead, I just Googled for the term ‘How to Become the World’s Greatest Lover’ and found an absolute gem of a no doubt self-published e-book.
The book’s called 26 TIPS ON BECOMING THE WORLD’S GREATEST LOVER. You can order both the male version and female version for under $4.
It was written by somebody named Donnell Devine in or around 2001. It must be a pen name because the only person with that name on Facebook is this guy [see photo right] and although he has strong arms and a piercing gaze, he doesn’t have any genitals at all.
Devine’s ‘book’ is a whopping 84 pages long and includes both a male version and a female version with chapter titles like Quickies, Clubbing, Arguing, and Hard Core Sex.
The female version of 26 TIPS ON BECOMING THE WORLD’s GREATEST LOVER starts with this riveting and somewhat ESL tip:
“Romancing your man is like spreading butter on bread. He will melt all over you. A woman is usually more romantic than a man. Every so often get romantic with your man. Let him know what he has in front of him.”
Tip #4 (ROLE PLAY) is an equally helpful warning to women:
“You have to be creative with your man and with your sexuality. If not, he will be in the Go-Go bars several times a week watching a woman shaking her ass and bopping her tits.”
And Tip #5 (QUICKIES) is groundbreaking: “If you are having a quickie while there is company in the house, try not to yell during your orgasm.”
I’m sure the rest of Devine’s girl tips are equally genius. But like I said, I’m in a hurry, so I skipped to the male version, which starts on page 51.
Under Tip #4 (MAKING LOVE), Devine gives this juicy “HOT TIP”:
“If you can make your woman cum twice while having intercourse, she will be calling you 24 hours a day. Your pager will be blowing up.”
To achieve this, Devine recommends you first “Take a walk through the neighborhood holding hands.”
After that, Devine says foreplay is a must that “will make your woman wet and hot. Kiss your woman from head to toe, and if she does not have pretty toes, kiss her from head to knee.”
Kiss her all over her but “pass the vagina (I will get back to that later)” and “gently turn her over and kiss her all over her back and on her ass. Turn her back over and she is 100 percent wet and ready. Now when you can stimulate your woman like this she will have an orgasm as soon as you put your penis in her.”
It’s that easy, boys!
TIP #6 (SEXUAL POSITIONS): “When making love to your woman you must be creative, 90 percent of love making should not be on your woman’s back. Do not always start with your woman lying down, you lie down and have her to get on top of you. Let her be the aggressor. Turn your woman over on her hands and knees (doggie style). The females love this style.”
“TIP #8 (HARDCORE SEX a.k.a. FUCKING): Every woman on this planet of sexual legal age wants to be FUCKED!”
TIP #14 (CONTROL): “If you have a controlling woman in your life, you have to take control. Otherwise, she will not respect you.” But how do you get control and “have your woman run around the city for you doing errands”?
That’s easy, says Donnell. “If you are giving her ‘The Dick’, she will change the oil on your car for you.”
TIP #12 (TALKING DIRTY): “Talk dirty to your woman while making love, but not in an obscene way. Tell her what she is doing to you and how you want it. If she is sexing you right, she will have you saying things for Example: if your woman has three teeth, two in her mouth, one in her pocket and a tight weave, you could probably say to her “Ah baby you two teeth one at the top one at the bottom can opener mouth, five dollar corner store weave wearing __________. (Ha,ha, ha). After you finish busting that good nut, laugh at what you said to her so she can laugh with you.”
Yep, that’s his big tip. I’ll stop reading there because sex advice for both men and the females can’t get any better than that.
— Ken Hegan
Order now to get your very own copy of 26 Tips on Becoming the World’s Greatest Lover, surely the finest sex advice e-book anywhere.
WARNING: this guidebook doesn’t contain photos or diagrams, so you’ll have to use your imagination