By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

Bath lovers
So I’m naked in my tub and studying the brand new Kama Sutra Bath Book.

Subtitled ‘Sudsy Fun in the Tub for Grown-Ups’, this waterproof plastic bath book is billed as the “first-ever take-in-the-tub sex guide for grown-ups” [and man am I relieved they added the words ‘for grown-ups’].kama-sutra-bath-cover.jpg
Let’s face it, this puffy, floatable book could easily be mistaken for a children’s book. Just look at the powder blue cover where The Little Mermaid’s getting rammed by Prince Eric. Look at ‘em!
Like a great bedtime children’s book, the Kama Sutra Bath Book is colourful, cuter than a kitty with its head stuck in a Mason jar, uses a limited range of English, and is super short at eight action-packed vinyl pages. Compare that to the illustrated book Kama Sutra 365. That baby boasts a whopping 384 pages because it gives you a sex position for each day of the year.But what the Kama Sutra Bath Book lacks in length and girth, it makes up for in rhyming couplets and PG-13 rated, Disney-esque illustrations by talented animator Nicole de Meneses.

No doubt this book was inspired by Aqua Erotica, published a dozen years ago, and the world’s first waterproof book for adults.

Each page of the Kama Sutra Bath Book offers a cartoony sex position to “inspire wet-and-wild lovemaking.” The goal of the book according to publisher Amorata Press in Berkeley, California, is for “couples [to] rediscover how to bring sexy fun into bathing together.”

Which is quite thoughtful of them. Thank you, Amorata Press, for encouraging my bathroom sex life, even though my bathroom must be the filthiest, disease-ridden room in the whole neighbourhood.

The book’s first sex position is the Lotus on page 1. Check out the picture [below] and note how the bubbles hide Eric and the Mermaid’s genitalia.

Lotus

I also can’t tell by the illustration what the Lotus position actually is. So you need to have the Kama Sutra 365 book on hand as a reference, which totally blows. For all its pleasurable tips, a hardcover book becomes an annoying anchor when it gets wet.

Page 2 is a standing position called Climbing the Tree. You can’t see any genitalia there either, unless you count Prince Eric’s freaky sideways nipple.

Tree 2

This move is also known as the Shower Tango if you do it right, and Certain Concussion for the Lady if she has slippery little alpaca toes.

Page 3 is the Camel’s Hump and just look how happy it makes the Little Mermaid [below]. Her ecstatic expression is really significant, compared to the other sex positions where she just looks shocked to be having sex with a gay guy.

2nd page

On page 4, the Little Mermaid tentatively lets the shave-chested Prince Eric do something mysterious between her bubble-covered legs that the book describes as the Yawning position. Apparently this is where the woman raises her thighs and keeps them wide apart while he enters her. Unrelated: page 4 is thankfully the only couplet to rhyme ‘hotter’ with ‘water.’

Page 5 offers the Tigress sex position in which the Little Shocked Mermaid backs her booty up against the bubbles springing from between Prince Eric’s legs. No idea what they’re doing but according to the two action lines and the water splashing out of the tub, she’s really rocking the prince’s bubbles. This maneuver is also known as Bath Tub Cow Girl or, as I like to call it, Rub-a-Dub-Dong Snap.

4th page

Page 6 features Prince Eric entering The Little Mermaid while she does a handstand on the wet shower floor. It comes with this warning: “Careful! The Hanging Bow is slippery when wet / But this challenging move is one you won’t regret.”

5th pageI believe this move is also known as Shower Stall Wheelbarrow or How to Quickly Carry out the Prostitute Who Slipped in the Shower, Conked Her Head, and May Have Died.

On page 7, The Little Mermaid is shocked to see Prince Eric going down on her beneath the bubbles. The book calls this maneuver Kissing the Yoni Blossom, so you know it was published in Hippietown, USA.

Page 8 is the last page in the book and I’m not going to spoil the surprise. Let’s just say that it involves a pedestal sink, a sideways nipple, and another shocked expression from that surprisingly slutty little mermaid.

In short: though it’s over too quickly and surely needs a longer sequel, this book would make a great bachelorette/Secret Santa gift. It’s cute, inoffensive, doesn’t cost much (under $15), educational (as long as you use Google to make sure you’re doing it right), plus it’s safe…just be sure that your Prince Eric breathes through a snorkel when he dives down to kiss your yoni blossom.

Read more of Ken’s World’s Greatest Lover columns

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