We got this apartment because the previous tenants — a young family — literally fled in the middle of the night. Who or what were they running from? Dunno.

But their Scientology newsletter, The Auditor, keeps arriving and it has the most comforting/eeriest slogan ever.


All that amazing/weird/bad stuff you thought happened? Didn’t happen.

Now go and reconsider everything you think you’ve done or seen, like that awful time you may have accidentally totally run over some guy at 4 a.m. and didn’t tell anyone.

Before you finally confess to the cops, check with The Auditor because it may not have actually happened.