By Ken Hegan for MSN
Las Vegas means hangovers (or, if you’re a CSI fan, Vegas means death by hangover).
But your crazy bachelorette party doesn’t have to end in horrendous pain and suffering. Next time you over-indulge on the Vegas Strip, don’t whimper in a fetal ball and let the tiger pounce on your neck. Instead, grab your baby, stagger aboard the Hangover Heaven bus, and let physicians nurse you back to health.
Each day between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m., the Hangover Heaven bus patrols the Las Vegas Strip to scoop up lost and wounded souls who are desperate to recuperate after a night of debauchery. Billed as a “rolling hangover treatment clinic,” this 13.7 meter long bus has been “modified to provide first-class medical treatment while simultaneously offering resort-style comfort” for the horribly afflicted.
You can prebook a hangover appointment — especially when your hotel bed starts to spin — but you can’t still be drunk when the bus picks you up at your hotel. This mobile clinic is a place of purity where your body gets rehydrated in 2 hours with IV fluids and other hangover remedies.
The bus accommodates between 10-14 wounded patients at a time.
Hangover Heaven is the genius brainchild of Dr. Jason Burke, a board-certified physician. He unveiled his service last year and hypes himself as “the world’s only Hangover Specialist, having cured over 10,000 hangovers.” His website says it’s the “first medical practice in the world dedicated to the research, cure, and prevention of hangovers.”
When you crawl up the steps of his heavenly bus and enter the ‘Hurling Gates’ [my term, not his], Dr. Feelgood offers you a smile, seat, or bunk bed and gives you a choice of these heaven-sent packages:
Two bags of intravenous fluid, IV antioxidants, IV anti-nausea medication, IV anti-headache medication, and Dr. Burke’s proprietary blend of IV vitamins
RAPTURE — $199
Hangover Heaven’s premium package includes everything in the Salvation package, plus oxygen and a B complex shot
REDEMPTION — $99
One litre of IV fluid and your choice of IV vitamins, anti-headache or anti-nausea medication
BAPTISM — $65
Oxygen, nausea pill, headache pill, and a B12 shot
SUNDAY SCHOOL — $45
Oxygen, nausea pill, headache pill, and Pedialyte “to take the bite off that mean hangover”
And if you’d rather die at the paws of a tiger than be seen on a bus, Dr. Burke offers in-room treatment for $200 and after-hours treatment for $300.
You’re certainly in good hands under Dr. Burke’s care. An experienced anesthesiologist, he has extensive operating room and intensive car unit experience. He’s also easy on the (bloodshot) eyes and looks like a nice guy character on a Spanish soap opera. With excellent teeth.
Check out this Skype interview where Dr. Burke describes some of the wildest hangovers he’s seen in Vegas.
Via email, Dr. Burke told me his clients are mostly “established business professionals” and pretty evenly split between men and women. Business is so good he’s planning to expand his anti-hangover empire to other cities, both in America and abroad. Prediction: expect to see his buses cruising around Fort Lauderdale at Spring Break, New Orleans during Mardi Gras, and every town on this list of the Drunkest Cities in America.
Meanwhile his Vegas operation (both his bus and clinic) are open 7 days a week, all year round, except for Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day. On those two days, you’ll need to some other way to cope with your pounding skull. Prayer, perhaps?
What do you think…is Hangover Heaven a gift from the gods? Or just a lazy way to avoid the wretched fate you so richly deserve?
— Ken Hegan
Read all Ken’s travel stories here
Photos courtesy Hangover Heaven and CP Images/Warner Bros (‘The Hangover’)