By Ken Hegan for Toro magazine

I’m training hard to become the World’s Greatest Lover.

This week I discovered that the inmates at Guantanamo Bay — all alleged terrorists — have a favourite book. Now you might think their most requested book would be the Qur’an or The Autobiography of Malcolm X.

But according to U.S. congressman Jim Moran, the most popular book in the Guantanamo Bay library is 50 Shades of Grey.

“These guys are going nowhere, so what the hell,” Moran told reporters this week. “Apparently they’d been offered the Qur’an, but preferred 50 Shades.”

It makes sense. If you’ve been imprisoned for years without end or RedTube, you might think that novel is the sexiest page-turner around.

Fifty Shades of Grey, of course, is lame softcore for tired mommies who don’t get out much. The book doesn’t offer much practical sex advice you can actually use. Hell, you can get better sex tips on Twitter … I tried it. I searched Twitter for #sextip and found a treasure trove of pointers from random Internet sexperts and gurus.

Here are 20 shades of Twitter #sextips:

20) Lynn Michael (@xlynnatic) offers this #sextip: “Don’t go down on someone who just ate asparagus.”

19) According to Twitter, there’s an e-book entitled ‘How to Get a Second Nut Out of Your Man’. A whopping 16 pages long, it’s a guidebook that teaches women how to tease and stroke their man into having sex twice in one night. It costs two bucks, has zero pictures (not even cartoons), and its biggest tip is to serve your man broccoli.

18) The e-book’s Twitter account (@SecondNutMan) retweeted this advice from a Christian sex guru called @TheMarriageBed: “Wives: When watching TV together, remove one piece of clothing at each commercial break. #sextip

17) Francis Bonnefoy (@actualfrance) says “when they least expect it, whisper in their ear, “omelette du fromage” #sextip

16) Lisa (@BiscuitAhoy) says: “Food in the bedroom can be both fun and erotic. Try massaging your lovers sensitive areas with a tin of peach halves. #sextip

15) Dolly (@D011ster) says: “#sextip If your male partner is having trouble ejaculating, try smacking his bottom like a ketchup bottle hard, he should splort everywhere.”

14) Reality Kings (@RealityKings) suggests you “Gently Choke her while you are going Deep inside” and offers this helpful video ‪ 

13) Darrin Baylock (@baylock4baylock) who still lives with his parents, I’m sure, says “#sextip the bed is SOOOO cliche,take her to the dresser,to the floor,to your parents room,to the kitchen table,to the shower,on the stairs..”

12) To the surprise of no one, Booty Queen lol (@desire5000) recommends you “Keep calm and eat it from the back #sextip”  [I also highly recommend you check out Booty Queen lol’s helpful instructional photos, even if only to admire her sexy fashionwear]

11) KISS LΔND (@FxxckinCunt) expects savage perfection and warns her lovers that they’d better get her off because “#sextip if I can walk to the kitchen afterwards, you don’t deserve a sandwich” lool”

10) sydneynicoℓe (@sydney_niicolee) says “#sextip only pull hair if it’s her real hair” lmao Foreal tho #weaveprobs

9) Tube8 Ava (@Tube8) says “#sextip Never use butter as lube.”  [Note: apparently butter leads to yeast infections and I guess also maybe fatness]

8) Chip & Cherry Pepper (@MarriedSpice) who normally promise “zany antics and witty banter” just blew my mind with their provocative question, “Have you massaged her brain today? #sextip

7) A Scootered Granpa (@diarrhea) says “if u whisper compliments into a tity nipple u unlock big head mode. #sextip[Note: you should follow this old fella pretty fast because his Twitter profile says “Im single and ready to die”]

6) Lex Of Tha Hydrox (@LexOfThaHydrox) is a between-meals-snacker who says “Pour a bag of skittles in her vagina and taste the rainbow.”

5) Soggy Muff (@Slennon) who appears to be a cat, says “#sextip ask her if she remembers that show Alf and then tell her you want to go Alf on her no no place.”

4) DARYL FUCKING HALL (@dfh1979) put down his guitar so he could write “#sextip ladies we fellas love it when you just scream real loud at our balls, just yelling. nothing mean, just loud.”

3) Soggy Muff (@Slennon) again says “#sextip Tell him you want to make the beast with two backs and get out your sewing kit. @cosmoonline

2) Jesse Valdez (@Jes_Valdez7) says “When your girls toes starts throwing up gang signs, you know you’re hitting it right #sextip)

1) Jeff (@EatingAHobo) says “#sextip surprise your man: startle him wearing the mask of his favorite monster, whisper spooky phrases as he climaxes”

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